Quotations for today

In heaven all the interesting people are missing. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened. - Sir Winston Churchill

The future will be better tomorrow. - Dan Quayle

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GRA to call for removal of McCabe killers' privileges

ireland.com reports:The Garda Representative Association (GRA) will today call on Minister for Justice Michael McDowell to remove the special privileges enjoyed by the killers of Det Garda Jerry McCabe.

A GRA spokesman confirmed to ireland.com this morning that the president of the GRA, Dermot O'Donnell, will call for the withdrawal of the arrangements under which the killers are held.

Kevin Walsh, Pearse McAuley, Jeremiah Sheehy and Michael O'Neill were sentenced in 1999 for between 11 and 14 years for manslaughter and are serving their sentences in the open prison at Castlerea in Co Roscommon.

The men are accommodated in houses rather than cells and the GRA wants an end to this practice and for the men to serve the rest of their sentences in prison.

Delegates at the GRA annual conference in Tralee will also claim the penalty points system has made gardaí very unpopular, and there will be a debate on how the "negative impact" can be minimised.

Garda Commissioner Noel Conroy and Mr McDowell will address the conference today.

Delegates will call for the provision of mobile phones to all Garda cars, and for the force's telecommunications system to be modernised.

They also want gardaí to stop using their own computers and cameras at work, so these items would be supplied by the State.

The conference is also expected to hear today that bullying within the force is one of the greatest causes of stress among rank-and-file gardaí.

Other motions at the conference include a demand for a second Garda medical officer to deal with backlog of members who have been injured on duty and are waiting for up to two years.

Delegates will debate 42 motions in total at the two-day conference.

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O'Sullivan's tight grip on Ireland forces Ford to look to Saracens

Eddie O'Sullivan's uncompromising grip on coaching the national side may be the main reason why Ireland's defensive coach Mike Ford is looking to English side Saracens for a full time contract.

Yesterday, both the IRFU and Saracens remained tight lipped about Ford's move across the water. When contacted, a spokesman for Saracens told an Irish journalist: “Where did you here that? We haven't announced that.”

Ford simply went on the record as saying: “I'm still with Ireland at the moment. I'm discussing a few things with Eddie and looking forward to next year.

The former rugby league player has been a huge success with Ireland and is credited with bringing much needed to discipline to the side as well making them one of the meanest in terms of coughing up trys. He is now rated as one of the best in the business and you have to ask why he would want to take a step down to club rugby – he was already supplementing his income from the IRFU by working part time for Saracens.

Besides, if it was about money, then surely Saracens couldn't match what the IRFU could offer considering their biggest gate this season was just below 16,000. It's more likely he was unhappy in the Irish set up.

Spudnik understands that when the Englishman was brought into the coaching set up in January 2002, there were to be three stages to his work.

The first stage was to introduce his rugby league style defensive system to the players. Much to his credit, the players bought into his system despite, and much to Ford's surprise, never really spending much time in training on defence.

The second stage was to consolidate the system and the third was to meld the defensive and attacking systems.

It was this stage that O'Sullivan had a problem with and he felt Ford was crossing over onto his territory.

It's no secret that O'Sullivan likes to be in control – what head coach doesn't – and was unhappy that a high profile name like Declan Kidney was thrust upon him for so long as assistant and backs coach.

What isn't widely known is that Kidney was thrown into the coaching set up by the IRFU to keep a reign on O'Sullivan as he was considered to have too big and ego by some in the union.

After failing to achieve the Grand Slam and defend the Triple Crown O'Sullivan's conservative approach came in for much criticism. Following Kidney's departure O'Sullivan declined to fill the vacant position of backs coach. When Brian O'Brien steps down as manager, O'Sullivan intends to replace him with a PA type, thus leaving Ireland with no backs coach, no manager and now no defensive coach which is as close to the definition of crisis you can get.

To be fair to O'Sullivan the question has to be asked what business does Ford have wanting to get involved in the offence, when his brief was defence, but, the performance of the backs since the departure of Kidney was way below par. It was also Ford's defensive system that won the game against England and not O'Sullivan's offence.

Ireland can ill afford to lose someone of Ford's stature and with England and France away from home next year, O'Sullivan could find his preparations for the 2007 World Cup being hampered by questions and criticisms .over his ability.

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Amnesty calls for boycott of Finucane inquiry

PA report: Amnesty International has called on all judges in Britain to decline appointments to sit on any inquiry set up under the recently-enacted Inquiries Act - including a planned inquiry into allegations of security force collusion in the murder of Belfast solicitor Pat Finucane.

The campaigning organisation also called for the repeal of the act.

The Amnesty call came days after a similar request to judges from Mr Finucane's widow Geraldine who wrote individually to every senior judge in England, Scotland and Wales earlier this week.

Amnesty UK campaigns director Stephen Bowen said: "By holding an inquiry into the Finucane case under the Inquiries Act 2005, the UK Government is trying to eliminate independent scrutiny of its agents."

He claimed : "Any judge sitting on such an inquiry would be presiding over a sham."

Mr Finucane was murdered in front of his family in their North Belfast home in 1989 by members of the loyalist Ulster Defence Association.

In the years since there have been repeated claims of security force collusion with the killers and retired Canadian judge Peter Cory told the Government in a report published last year there was enough suspicion of collusion to merit a public inquiry.

The Finucane murder was one of a series Judge Cory examined, and recommended public inquiries be held because of collusion suspicions.

The first inquiry to be set up, that into the murder of Co Armagh solicitor Rosemary Nelson by loyalist bombers in 1999, held its opening session yesterday.

Amnesty complains the Inquiries Act means the Government would control any inquiry held under its terms and a final report would be published at the Government's discretion.

They say also that crucial evidence could be omitted from publication at the Government's instigation - using the excuse it was in the public interest.

Mr Bowen said the Act, rushed through Parliament on the last day before it was dissolved for the election, "undermines the rule of law, the separation of powers and human rights protection".

He added: "It cannot be the foundation for an effective, independent, impartial or thorough judicial inquiry into allegations of serious human rights violations."

Both Judge Cory and Lord Saville who conducted the Bloody Sunday Inquiry, came out against the terms of the Inquiry's Bill when it was before Parliament and said they would not sit on an inquiry set up under its terms.

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Speculation mounts that Benedict XVI’s papacy to be one of the shortest

Speculation among Vatican commentators has already started to mount that Cardinal Ratzinger was voted in to pave the way for a Pope to bring the Catholic church in a new direction. It has also been said that the 78-year-old may also consider - like his predecessor - retiring at 80.

JPII had discussed with Ratzinger, both in public and private, the option of retiring at 80. He decided that such a move would create a difficulty for a new Pope to leave his mark on the Church, since, as it would already have the almost irremovable imprints of JPII all over it.

Whatever about speculation, there is one thing for sure, Benedict XVI’s papacy will be an interesting one.

The arch-conservative was formally one of the arch-progressive’s in the Church. During the sixties he was one of the first priests to wear a suit. As a man of huge intellect he wrote several important papers during Vatican II.

His path to conservatism came about when he became disillusioned with the Church’s response to pressure groups and what he described as the "me-ism’s" or the "supermarket" nature of the direction of the Church where practitioners of the faith could choose what bit of Catholicism they liked and what bit they didn’t.

It would be hard to fault him on that point of view. The Church is, after all, supposed to be about the greater good and not solely on the individual. Although, Jesus Christ’s teachings state that the greater good starts with the individual.

It was always said Ratzinger would be a steady hand that would carry on the style of JPII if he was to be elected Pope

The moral questions about homosexuality, female priests and contraception are not likely to be dealt with by Benedict XVI, thus indicating that these battles will be left for another day.

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Bells and white smoke at Vatican means new Pope elected

White smoke is bellowing from the chimney of the Sistine chapel in the Vatican indictaing a new Pope has been elected. It means that the 256th Pope has accepted the post of leader of the Catholic world and has decided on a name. There was confusion for awhile as no bell ringing - also an indicator that a Pope has been elected - was heard. But a few minutes after the smoke was seen the bells started ringing around St Peter's Square to the cheering of thousands of gathered pilgrims.

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Captain Spud falls in love

The bog bubbled and spluttered. It stopped, started again and then burped before a terrifying dark figure arose from it’s bottomless gut. Captain Spud was back.

He had hidden in the bog for over a week. Being a super-hero wasn’t that easy, especially in Mayo. There weren’t too many villains too apprehend, just the odd missing sheep to rescue from a dangerous precipice, so Peadar had decided to get away from it all by hiding in the bog.

He had read that when the Vampire Lestat had become disillusioned with the world he had hidden himself in the ground, so Peadar decided to do the same, except in a bog.

It had been well worth the discomfort of being soaking wet. Well worth the countless bog insects that had managed to nest in some very awkward places indeed. Now he knew what it was he had been looking for. A cause. A worthy opponent for his super human powers, but where would he find such a rival?

Luckily his creator, the entity that he called God, others called Buddha, some revered as Allah, but, who was in reality none other than Gumbo Varterek of Kreelgor, was still rather embarrassed at his rather silly faux pas in creating our hero. He now had to put up with all sorts of jibes from the denizens of Kreelgor and it’s neighbouring world of Abaljudgutnock, to add to the constant abuse he had been receiving from humanity since he first accidentally created mankind.

He had actually been trying to create a race in his own image who would worship him. It had been an obsession since his wife, who had always made a fool of him, ran off with a trapeze artist from a travelling circus that wasn’t even in town.

It was probably just as well for the human race that he didn’t succeed, with it being a well known fact that the Kreelgorians are without doubt the most hideous and vile species in the known universe. Indeed a hypothetical algorithm has proven that they are the most hideous and vile race in the unknown universe as well. Mankind has a lot to thank the malfunctioning Qauntum Atom Flexor for.

So Gumbo decided that he would show them all. He would finally prove himself someone worthy of worship. He would create a being of true purity, with crystal clarity of mind, a being who always knew right from wrong, someone who could teach a race the secrets of the universe, a visionary for the future. He picked a woman.

It wasn’t really his fault. He hadn’t really paid that much attention to the Earth after the first Millennia of abuse. He had stumbled across some web site during his research which just happened to be a long list of complaints by a woman against her husband, whom she had now left to go and join a commune in North Dakota. He reckoned that the list made a lot of sense and decided that she would be an ideal candidate for his perfect being. But since she had been killed mysteriously in an oven accident, she wasn’t really an option anymore.


He did a random search through his database of humanity, closed his eyes and stuck a pin out at his VDU.

Captain Spud had decided to come up to Dublin. This is where all the badness and nastiness happened. It was to him the centre of all things un-Irish. Like most people from rural areas he didn’t really know much about his capital. So on arrival he went into the nearest shop to buy a guide. He found the places to go section and immediately one place stood out from all the others. The Horse Shoe Bar.

In his haste to get on with the business of cleansing the streets of Dublin from all things un-Irish, he neglected to actually read the listing for the Horse Shoe Bar. If he had done so he would have realised that it was not a drinking hole for horse dealers and by association cattle dealers. It was in fact a drinking den for corrupt and not so corrupt politicians, boozed out hacks and happy go lucky Dublin 4 girls waving around daddy’s credit card and smiling at any man who looked like he had a bigger credit card then daddy. Not quite the same thing really is it?

He arrived just in time to witness the event which was going to have a profound effect on his and everyone else’s life.

A young lady in her twenties, wearing a nice combo of Gucci, Versace and Prada, lay writhing in fits on the floor. There was a crowd gathered around her, but Peadar noticed that no one was helping. He rushed to her aid only to reach her just as she turned to face him and vomit three hours of white wine spritzer and snacks all over him.

Stinking, he tried to calm the young lady, but her fits and vomiting were getting too intense, even for a man with super powers.

Then without warning it all ended. She looked at him. He looked at her. Gumbo, their creator watched them both from his VDU. The patrons in the bar were all to busy to look or care. They were now suffering from that strange affliction that begets most people when they see someone puke. They start to vomit, which nastily turns into a vicious circle of vomiting, from which no one can escape

Peadar felt something between them, something that he had never felt before. A kindrid spirit. She was like him. She had powers like him. He was no longer alone, or was he.

Next week: who is this new super-human.

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Black smoke again over the Vatican as Cardinals again fail to elect pope

Black smoke over the Sistine Chapel this morning indicated the failure, for the second time in two days, of Cardinals to elect a new head of the Catholic Church. The appearance of black smoke over the Vatican marked the end of the first of two sessions today in which the cardinals will attempt to choose their new leader. The black smoke, seen by thousands in St. Peter's Square, marked an inconclusive vote by cardinals meeting to choose the church's 265th pontiff.

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Irish house prices up by lowest rate in 9 years

House prices rose by just 1 per cent in first three months of 2005 in what was the lowest rise in nine years, according to the latest Permanent tsb/ESRI House price index.

The index showed the value of house prices nationally rose by 0.4 per cent in March compared with 0.8 per cent recorded in March 2004 but ahead of the 0.3 per cent recorded in February.

The index also reveals that over the 12 months up to the end of March 2005 the growth in national prices was 7.5 per cent.

This continues the downward trend in annual growth rates - falling from 9.8 per cent in November to 8.5 per cent in January and to 7.9 per cent in February.

The price of a house in the Republic in March of this year was on average €256,690 up just under €18,000 on €238,813 for March 2004.

House prices in Dublin increased by 0.7 per cent in March and cost on average €339,946 compared €314,138 in March 2004.

House prices outside Dublin rose by 0.4 in March and cost on average €222,077 compared to €208,575

House prices for first-time buyers grew by 0.3 per cent; prices for second-time buyers rose by 0.5 per cent in March 2005. In March 2004 the respective increases were 0.0 per cent and 1.0 per cent.

Permanent tsb bank's Niall O'Grady said: "While there are some significant variations within the different sectors of the housing market, the overall picture this year is one of consistently modest price rises resulting in the lowest level of national price growth in a quarter in nine years of researching these figures."

Mr O'Grady said: "Looking forward these figures suggest that a national house price growth rate of 5 per cent remains a very achievable outcome for the year as a whole."

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Anti-racism group denies Nigerians have called off hunger strike

An anti-racism group, representing a group of Nigerian asylum-seekers protesting at their signing on conditions, today refuted claims that the Nigerians had called off their hunger strike.

Yesterday, a spokesperson for the Department of Justice told The Irish Times that all 70 of the hunger strikers ate a meal yesterday.

That claim was described as "absolutely untrue" by Spokesperson for Residents against Racism Rosanna Flynn.

She told Spudnik that some of the asylum-seekers had to stop the hunger strike because of severe medical conditions while those who were pregnant or breastfeeding also ceased their strike following advice. Ms Flynn said 48 Nigerians staying in Lower Gardiner Street were continuing to refuse food, but, not liquids. She said some of them had begun to appear "quite gaunt" after being on hunger strike since Wednesday.

The Nigerians say that they are being held under virtual house arrest by having to sign in at their hostel in Lower Gardiner Street Dublin every morning and evening. They say as some of their children live outside the capital, the process of signing on twice a day makes it impossible for them to see their children.

The group have applied for residency in Ireland on the basis of having Irish-born children. They arrived in the country earlier this year to be reunited with their families, after Minister for Justice Michael McDowell opened applications for residency from parents of Irish-born citizens. However, the signing on procedure at their hostel has made it difficult for them to visit their children.


They also fear that they are being prepared for deportation and plan to protest outside the Dáil at lunchtime today.

A spokesman for the Department of Justice said the signing in procedure is being reduced to once a day, in the evening.

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Quotations for today

I am not young enough to know everything. - Oscar Wilde

Bush is the mistress of Beelzebub and the White House is a hornets nest of satanic wizardry - Saddam Hussein

For four-fifths of our history, our planet was populated by pond scum. - J. W. Schopf

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It's about time we got a break from the April showers

Rougher than a Glasgow wedding could be one way to describe the unpredictable but nearly always unpleasant weather that is being bestowed on Dublin by that most powerful of weather Gods, Thor. In fact the unpleasantness of the weather is the only guarantee of what might be in store from the heavens.

Not knowing what may or may not fall on your head causes the denizens of Dublin great irritation. For instance while it may be raining when one looks out the window, the temperature may in fact be balmy, even in the middle of winter.

So if one was to where one's new super-duper, filled with duck down, and ever so water repellent jacket out during such a day then one could find one self being rained on from above while simultaneously sweating profusely under the said super weather proof but in the end still no dryer for the effort, jacket.

This is the most dastardly type of weather as it makes its victims practically wet themselves and so saving it the bother of doing what it is supposed to do in the first place.

Another one of Thor's tricks at winding up the Dubs is to provide them with spitting rain. Now, where else in the world does a nations weather actually spit on them?

Dubliners on seeing this outside their bedroom windows in the morning, think to themselves, "hah only a bit of spitting rain. I can beat this. Sure didn't I get lashed out of it the other day during the back end of Hurricane Concepta. Today will be a stroll in the park."

Big, big mistake. Thor, in his most evil wickedness, waits to see how many Dubs actually are prepared for just the spitting rain.

If too many are prepared for it then the said rain becomes a lot heavier, drowning cats, dogs, people and rats alike.

But, if everyone decides to make sure they are prepared for the big downpour, then by mid afternoon the sun comes out and hey presto, every one has wet themselves again. Brilliant really, isn't it?

The only suggestion that WH can make in regard to protecting yourselves from the great God Thor, is try sacrificing a few virgins and the like. It might not work but could, just maybe, provide hours and hours of endless family fun.

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Price of Croker may be too high for soccer and rugby

Despite all the prophets of doom getting their tuppence worth in the various media over the past few weeks, when the cordite finally cleared from Croke Park and the amendment to rule 42 had been passed, no one had actually died. No one got so much as a scratch and the GAA organisation didn’t come tumbling down.

The No campaign diehards will go back to their dark, dank corners in the club houses and mutter and whisper curses on the FAI and IRFU, but, no one will be listening. Their day in the sunshine may have passed decades ago, but it is they, and not the progressives in the GAA that could still have the last laugh.

There’s now widespread speculation that the GAA - especially the defeated diehards - will be looking for top dollar for the use of Croke Park. One estimate puts the price of hiring the Jones’ Road stadium at €2 million. At an average price of €40 per ticket and a crowd of 70,000 that work’s out at receipts of €2.8m.

While €800,000 is nothing to be sneezed at, that figure would be well whittled down by the time overheads and salaries are taken into account.

Also, that €800,000 only applies when Croker is full. The GAA manage to fill Croke Park six or seven times a year. The IRFU and the FAI might just manage that between them in a season.

All in all, it doesn’t leave the rugby and soccer people with much room to maneuver.

It may well pan out that the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff will offer the best value for money for both organisations. Having said that, from a rugby perspective at least, the Cardiff pitch is not the best sod in these islands and it’s capacity to have back-to-back games played on it during the Six Nations would be in serious doubt.

One option the IRFU are considering, , based on a mutually beneficial share of the gate receipts, is to simply to waive "home" advantage during those two or three years Lansdowne Road is being redeveloped.

Currently, the IRFU charge the FAI a percentage based fee of between 10-15 per cent of gate receipts for the use of Lansdowne. One would hope the GAA could be persuaded to offer a price that is similarly reasonable to both organisations.

There’s still a lot of twoing and froing to be done before the whole sorry mess can be sorted out and while many blame the mess on the FAI and IRFU, it’s not really they’re fault.

Bertie Ahern’s behind the scenes meddling with the National Stadium white elephant has led to all of this. Maybe he could bring his ‘legendary negotiating skills’ to bear to sort out this debacle of his own making.

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Irish ruby team to have God Save The Queen as anthem in Ravenhill if no change to Rule 42

There has been much debate going back and forth over the airwaves and in the column inches as the GAA prepare to debate whether to allow soccer and rugby to played on the hallowed turf of Croke Park. One thing that hasn't been mentioned is that if Rule 42 continues in it's present form, the appalling vista of watching the Irish rugby team lining out for the national anthem and hearing God Save The Queen instead comes ever closer.

Because the IRFU has been cross-border body since before partition, it has respect for both communities in Ireland. By both communities I mean the two that divide the North .

Obviously rugby union in Ireland in the early days would have been played mostly by protestants and the middle class (no change there so – Ed). Indeed, Ireland's home games used to be played in Ravenhill before the stadium at Lansdowne Road was built.

Then there came a period when Irish home games used to be played in both Dublin and Belfast. What the IRFU decided to do – following partition and the obvious sensitivities that needed to be observed - was if a home game was played in Dublin, then Amhán Na bhFiann was to be played. If the game was in Belfast, then the German hymn was to be the anthem.

This decision has led almost directly to the God awful, please put Phil Coulter out of his sorry misery, Ireland's Call.

You see, when Ireland had to play an away game, no anthem could be played, so to give the lads something to get emotional about the IRFU decided to commission Phil Coulter to come up with a few bars.

So what has Coulter and the Irish rugby team got to do with the GAA and Rule 42.

Well, if the amendment to the rule isn't passed by congress next weekend, then it's almost a certainty that the IRFU will play it's home games abroad, most likely in Cardiff.

But what happens when the likes of Romania, Canada, USA and even Italy come over to play? Those matches are hardly likely to played in the Millennium Stadium are they? If the GAA won't open up Croke Park for a GAA match that couldn't pull a crowd of over 33,000 because of economics, then what chance are the IRFU going to rent a stadium in another country for a match with a crowd draw of less than that?

The IRFU is obliged by the IRB to play these games and so the only options open to them would be to play the games in either the 12,000 capacity Thomond Park or, the 20,000 capacity - with added temporary seating - Ravenhill.

The advent if the professional game has meant the IRFU have started to become strapped for cash and that could well mean that they would opt for the extra 8,000 paying customers at Ravenhill, thus enforcing Ireland to stand for God Save The Queen as the national anthem.

It must be said at this point that several unionists and Orangemen have stood for Amhán Na bhFiann at Lansdowne Road on many occasion without too much complaint, but, it's hardly going to be reciprocated by the people in the South now is it?

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Murder round the corner

For most people, murders are something they see on Tv or in newspapers, yesterday, a 28-year-old man was shot down not more than a hundred yards from my house as he left home for work.

Despite covering the story for ireland.com, seeing the distress at close hand of his family and friends, it still seems like an incident that only happens in the media.

While Ongar is in the Dublin 15 area close to where a fair few shootings take place in Blanchardstown, it is not an area where you'd expect a gangland style shooting to take place.

It's a new development occupied mostly by first-time buyers like my wife and I and young families. There were no gangsters till yesterday.

Gardai said the victim, as far as they were concerned, had no connections to anything criminal, but yet, he was shot by someone who appeared to know exactly what they were doing.

The gunman dressed like one of the many builders in the area so as not to seem conspicuous and after he fired to bullets into the victim he casually walked off. No panicked run, no high-speed car or motorbike, just a casual stroll away from the scene.

Anyway, here's the news story:

Gardai in Lucan are investigating the murder of 28-year-old man who was shot dead outside his home in west Dublin earlier this morning.

The man was shot twice in the upper body by a waiting gunman as he was entering his van outside his apartment block in Hayworth Court, Ongar Park, near Clonee.

It is believed he stumbled from his van to a grass verge where he died.The man, originally from the north inner city, lived on his own in the aprtment block where he had been resident for about a year. He was not known to gardai.

The gunman was wearing an illumonous vest and woolly hat and gardai believe that he may have been trying to disguise himself as one of the many builders working in the still being developed Ongar area.

The scene has been preserved by the garda techincal bureau and the State Pathologist, Dr Marie Cassidy is expected to examine the body later this afternoon.

Gardai have appealed to anyone in the area with information to contact them.

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Is there ever a good reason for terrorism?

If the United States is really intent on protecting its borders from terrorist attacks, it should amend the Patriot Act to stop drivel like this: Mad former Star Trek stunt co-ordinator

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Quotes for today

Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them. - George Bernard Shaw
I think that like cockroaches, the sound of James Last will survive a nuclear war - BBC Radio DJ Bob Harris
I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. - Carl Sandburg

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Three cheers for the dark side

Spudnik has always wondered what would have happened if young Luke Skywalker had gone over to the Dark Side of the Force. Until he came along, the Dark Side seemed to be doing quite well thank you very much.

His lordship, that cheeky little scamp Darth Vader, may well have been right, when saying that father and son could have taken over the galaxy. Sure they wouldn't have even needed that old decrepit evil emperor to spoil all their joyful romping around from quadrant to quadrant.

But what if the Dark Side was an option we all could take? Would you move over to the Dark Side? Spudnik certainly would.

Imagine that you are on crowded bus mid-winter. The lashing rain outside is being propelled against the side of the vehicle to make it seem like it's hurricane Freddie Kruger outside.

Inside it's worse. Everyone has sniffles, coughs or some sort of winter-related ailment which can spread more easily than margarine. A young child already whimpering about going to McDonalds bursts out into a gnarled cry of rage at not being granted his request. The old age pensioners are all jostling for position right beside the driver causing a severe obstruction to passengers alighting and leaving the bus.

Now if one were to be an exponent of the Dark Side, then one could immediately do something about one's discomfort. When Lord Vader was annoyed by one of his minions he merely stretched out his hand into the air and his victim started to suffocate.

Now, one hand out in the air might not work for everyone on the bus but if one were to stretch out one's arms, then one might be able to achieve the objective. Kind of like a group hug but just a tad more nasty.

Of course old Obi Wan wouldn't be too impressed. All that wasted training just so one's discomfort on a bus could be alleviated.

Spudnik says Obi Wan can just go and feck off. Spudnik wants to have fun and quite frankly a life filled with the debauchery of the Dark Side looks a lot more appealing than the goody-goody life on the good, but not a very exciting, side.

So the next time you are on the bus, or any other situation where you are suffering massive discomfort as a result of your "fellow" man, woman, or child, just reach out, feel the Dark Side surge through your veins, embrace its pure evilness and put an end to your suffering.

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Get with the programme girls. Be A rugby wife, not a rugby widow

With Munster and Leinster both out of the European Cup and the Six Nations 05 a distant memory I was only too delighted to read about the forthcoming Lions Tour. Yeah, more rugby!, writes Spudnik’s wife Bundle who’s relishing the prospect of early morning pints during the Lions tour to New Zealand


You many wonder "why the excitement from a rugby widow?". Well, I am not a rugby widow - I am a rugby wife - and never the twain shall meet. A rugby widow spends her time feeling sad at the loss of her husband during the games whereas a rugby wife quite happily gets tucked into the supporting spirit with a large vodka and tonic firmly in her grasp. Oh how I love it! The excitement, anxiety, sleepless nights and ultimately terrible disappointment - but sure its all part of the fun.

My love for the sport has grown slowly over the past 9 years. Being a northsider (and not a southside enclave northsider) I was only introduced to the game when I met my husband. Its been a slow process learning the nuances of the game - I once asked him "why is that a line-out and not a try?". Oh dear... At least now I can name the players and even have my favourite player. Geordan (the ballerina) Murphy.

I gave him that name after the French game in the 2003 Six Nations when he jumped up to catch the ball in a style that reminded me somewhat of a ballerina doing a jumping up in the air twirly thing.

So I am impressed we got 11 onto the Lions squad which is to be captained by our own Brian (southside enclave northsider). I am particularly impressed considering the performance of the Irish team in the six nations. I am not impressed however with the size of the English contingent of 20 players!

What's the crack with that? They did come paddy-last in the six nations! Well I mean paddy-last against the "top teams". (sorry Scotland and Italy - but we knew you would be fighting over the wooden spoon).

It just doesn't seem fair - they are always the big kid in the playground with the fancy toys and stuff. We are always the little ones who have to eat the free sambows and warm milk!

But enough of my whinging or else I will sound like a brit! Heres to great crack in the summer - very early morning pints and lots of moaning by the brits when things don't go too well - and maybe, just maybe, the smell of victory!!!

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Full Text of Gerry Adams satement to the Ira

It’s seven years since the signing of the Good Friday Agreement, but, it’s just dawned on Sinn Fein President Gerry Adams that the IRA should "embrace the peace process".

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Adams calls for IRA to embrace peace process. Erm, shouldn’t they have been doing that all along?

It’s seven years since the signing of the Good Friday Agreement, but, it’s just dawned on Sinn Fein President Gerry Adams that the IRA should "embrace the peace process".

Today he appealed to the leadership of the IRA to follow Sinn Fein down the political route. "I want to use this occasion, therefore, to appeal to the leadership of Óglaigh na hÉireann to fully embrace and accept this alternative."

Mr Adams said he knew "full well that such truly historic decisions can only be taken in the aftermath of intense internal consultation."

It is understood the IRA Army Council is studying Mr Adams' appeal.

So what’s been going on in the IRA for the past seven years? Is Adams admitting that the IRA weren’t "at peace"? Or, is it more likely he is electioneering for the forthcoming British General Election in May.

Considering the massive fall in popularity that SF has suffered in recent months over the Northern Bank robbery and, in particular the killing of Robert McCartney and the subsequent code of Omerta that witnesses to his murder inadvertently found themselves in, would it be any surprise at all if the IRA were to make some headline grabbing decommissioning move prior to the election.

It may be a cynical move, but, having gone head-to-head with Blair and Ahern over most of the past 10 years, you could argue that Adams and Martin McGuinness learned political cynicism from the best in the business.

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Ireland's first contact with outer space, be Gorrah

Imagine this. It’s 4,000BC and it’s the middle of Leitrim in the grips of a fiercely cold winter. You’re out in your animal skins looking for grubs, berries, or just anything to feed your starving family. There’s a blizzard of icy cold rain (which only occurs in Leitrim folks) blowing into places that would make a saint join a satanic occult.


Then all of a sudden, the whole place is lit up with a white, brilliant light. A giant space craft comes out of the sky, but as you’ve never seen or heard of Star Trek you reckon it to be a giant shining cart. "Christ", you’d say to yourself in about 4,000 years, but seeing as he hasn’t yet been born, you make do with "Quarkforn" (Don’t ask. The ways of the ancients are best left to them).

The giant cart lands just metres, or in BC parlance, a stone’s throw away from where you’ve just been digging for grubs. A long gangplank - or bridge to you - descends from its underbelly.

You’re amazed at this sight, not because it’s so futuristic. No, you’re amazed because the gangplank is so straight and a straight edge in Leitrim circa 4,000BC is about as common place as an algorithm.

You’re so dumb struck by the sight of something straight that you almost miss the five small green creatures that descend down the straight bridge and walk right up to you and say: "Blip globben sakandra do neiteve".

Almost speechless, but not quite, you manage to mutter: "Fecking Kalder H. Quarkforn".

The aliens realise you’re ineptitude at inter species conversation and having the presence of mind to bring along a universal translator they duly begin to make themselves heard to you, but, despite their technology being so advanced, they still manage to muck up the translation into ancient Irish.

"Top of the mornin’ to ya," they say while you’re flabber is gasted. "Be gorrah there’ll be some fine cuttin’ done on the day that’s in it to be sure," they continue in unison because that’s the way aliens talk. All at once and all together.

"What nonsense is this that you utter onto me," you reply slightly annoyed at their poor use of Irish.

"Ah sure it’s a grand job we ran into ye boy as we’re looking to knock the heads off a ye Venusians, so we are, to be sure as sure can be," they say rolling up their sleeves in preparation for some fisticuffs.

"Venusians," you reply incredulously. "I’ll have you know we’re Terrans young man. Yes, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong neck of the woods if its Venusians you’re after. You want to go one more planet closer to the sun and that should see you right."

"Sorry to have been troubling you sir, sure will be on our way and thanking you with 100,000 thankyou’s to be sure," they say as they leave.

And so Earth’s first contact with aliens ended up with the aliens leaving and taking with them their straight lines and symmetrical cart while leaving the poor folk of Ireland with a very silly way of talking.

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Seamus Shenanigans: An Irishman's politician

The Minister for All Sorts Seamus Shenanigans, admitted that he never paid a ‘red cent’ for any of his garden furniture which adorns his house in Knobber, Co Meath, the tribunal for codology heard today.


His garden contains over 3,000 items of garden furniture, of which, 1,750 are garden gnomes. The tribunal is trying to ascertain whether the Minister received the furniture donations in lieu of ‘political favours’ or were they, as the Minster maintains, legitimate political donations.

Counsel for the tribunal, Mr Han di Monay SC, put it to Mr Shenanigans that it could hardly be a coincidence that an associate of the Ministers in the gnome trade, Mr Con Marchant, gave the Minster 957 gnomes the day after he received a fishing license, while Mr Shenanigans was Minister for the Marine at the time.

Mr Shenanigans replied: "That was all it was. A simple coincidence. Nothing more, nothing less. Con knows I’ve a penchant for garden furniture, especially gnomes. I’ve won the Knobber garden furniture of the year award 10 years running now. That means a lot to me."

"I’m grateful to all my supporters who donated gnomes and other garden paraphernalia over the years. They were all just political donations and nothing more," he added.

Mr di Monay SC asked the Minister why, if all the gnomes were political donations, did he not declare a giant gnome measuring 25 metres in height. The Minister said he could not be expected to keep account of all the gnomes and furniture in his garden although, he did admit that each gnome had a name.

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Doll mistaken for alien

Quikie from Annanova.co.uk A burnt rubber doll was mistaken for a badly injured alien and taken to a hospital in Brazil.

It happened after people in Aracruz found a burnt 'body' on the ground after seeing a fireball fall from the sky.

A police spokesman told Terra Noticias Populares: "Many people were terrified thinking that an alien invasion was taking place.

"They thought the doll was a burnt ET and more than 50 people called the station."

The 'alien' was taken to the local hospital where doctors soon confirmed it was a burnt rubber doll.

A hospital spokesman said: "It was obviously a practical joke but we wonder who would do that in such a small and quiet town."

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Man arrested in connection with McCartney murder

Finally, the PSNI have today arrested a 31-year-old man in connection with the murder of Robert McCartney. It’s understood that the man, accompanied by his solicitor, went voluntarily to a police station at lunchtime.


Hopefully, the arrest can be the beginning of the end for the sisters and family of 33-year-old father of two Robert McCartney since his murder outside a Belfast bar nine weeks ago.

Since his murder, McCartney’s family have had to endure living in a tight-knit community knowing the identity of Robert’s murderer and knowing that members of their community had been intimidated by members of Sinn Fein and the IRA into not giving evidence or statements to the police.

Before the Good Friday agreement, Sinn Fein and the IRA considered any unlawful acts committed by their members beyond reproach. They were in a ‘war’ after all.

Not anymore they’re not and the killing of Robert McCartney was a savage indicator of the brutality of the ‘we’re untouchable’ attitude of many republicans involved with the ‘cause’.

The day after McCartney was stabbed outside Magennis's Whiskey Café following a row where a woman had taken offence to something when none was intended, the PSNI was making inquiries in the Short Strand area and came under an orchestrated attack from stone-throwers. Sinn Fein’s Alex Maskey accused the PSNI of using "old-style heavy handed RUC tactics".

The public disturbances and Maskey’s declaration were clearly designed to the protect the identity’s of McCartney’s murderers. Why? Because they’re ‘soldiers for the cause’?

What has a row in a pub that leads to a man - one of their own - being stabbed, covering up any evidence by removing it physically from the scene and intimidating witnesses, got to do with 800 years of oppression?

Gerry Adams was right to try and make Sinn Fein give support to McCartney’s sisters, but, the loudest cheers at the Ard Fheis during Adam’s speech were not for the McCartney sisters. No, they were left for the various defiant moments in Adam’s speech where he rounded on SF’s detractors. Namely, Michael McDowell.

While jeering McDowell is a wholly worthwhile activity, it compares more than a little unfavourably with the lack of genuine applause and support given to the McCartney sisters at the Ard Fheis. The SF faithful were more than a little bit uncomfortable with their presence at the RDS. And there-in lies the rub of it all.

The SF policy of "an Ireland based on equality, justice, rights and empowerment", should really read "an Ireland based on equality, justice, rights and empowerment for those who were directly involved in the republican struggle. All other republicans can forget about it as they didn’t work for it. In fact of you give us any jip we’ll murder you and cover it up."

In the mid to late 90’s, Sinn Fein councillors were heavily involved in organising communities in inner city Dublin, to fight back against the drug dealers in their areas.

Locals mounted neighbour watch programmes in flat complexes where those coming into the complexes looking to purchase drugs were, erm, ‘turned away’.

As a young reporter, I went on a protest march in the Sherrif Street area of the north inner-city. It involved a group of 300-400 protesters marching up to various homes of alleged drug dealers and shouting slogans like: "What do we want?/ Pushers out/ When do we want it?/ Now".

Most of the dealers were either not at home or had closed the curtains in a vain attempt to hide. Those that did come out to address the mob, were clearly frightened. All bar one.

He came out of his townhouse, with his presumed partner, and his young kids to face the chanting mob. Neither he nor his family showed one ounce of fear. Indeed, the man made several gestures of slitting throats as he looked around the mob, many of whom, presumably were his customers.

At the time, I took his behaviour to be that of a man who was protected, no matter what the mob did. Who was protecting him? The only organised group in the area who could do that were the local Sinn Fein members working on the ground.

Then, as well as now, Sinn Fein demand to do their own policing. People will turn a blind eye if there’s illegal policing of drug dealers, but, not a murder of an innocent man out for a couple of pints.

Makes you wonder are Fianna Fail really that bad.

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Today's quotations

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her - Oscar Wilde

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. - Albert Einstein

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Chruchill

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Wikipedia on the origins of April Fool's Day

The origins of April Fool's Day are unknown, although various theories have been proposed. It is considered to be related to the festival of the vernal equinox, which occurs on March 21. Prior to the adoption of the Gregorian calendar in 1582, it was observed as New Year's Day by cultures as far apart as ancient Rome and India. New Year was originally celebrated from March 25 to April 1, before the Gregorian reforms moved it back to January 1.


The English first celebrated the day on a widespread basis only as late as the 18th century, though it appears to have reached England probably from Germany in the mid-17th century. Its first known description in English originates with John Aubrey, who noted in 1686: "Fooles holy day. We observe it on the first of April. And so it is kept in Germany everywhere."

Some Dutch people mistaking think it may have originated due to the liberation of Den Briel during the Spanish occupation of The Netherlands in 1572, when the geuzen fooled the Spanish lord Alva and were thus able to liberate Den Briel, and the latter supposedly lost his glasses (Dutch: bril).

The custom of playing practical jokes on April Fool's Day is also very widespread and of uncertain origins. The victim of a joke is known in English as an April Fool; in Scots as a gowk (cuckoo or fool); and in French as a poisson d'avril (April fish). It has been suggested the custom may have had something to do with the move of the New Year's date, when people who forgot or didn't accept the new date system were given invitations to nonexistent parties, funny gifts, etc. Originally, April Fool's Day jokes concentrated on individuals (sending someone on an absurd errand such as seeking pigeon's milk) but in the 20th century it became common for the media to perpetrate hoaxes on the general population.


Present Day
The Internet make it difficult to know if it is before or after noon when a hoax is perpetrated. Time zones are different in different parts of the world. It is not even April 1st simultaneously throughout the world. Non-westerners unfamiliar with the April Fool's Day custom may be vulnerable to Internet hoaxes.

In the Spanish-speaking world, similar pranks are practiced on December 28, the Day of the Holy Innocents.

Superstitions
Traditionally, pranks are supposed to end by noon. Those done afterwards are supposed to bring bad luck to the perpetrator. However, this is not universally adhered to, and many of the hoaxes listed below appeared after noon. Anyone who fails to respond to the tricks played on them in the proper spirit of tolerance and amusement will also suffer bad luck. It is also said that being fooled by a pretty girl will be compensated by marriage to, or at least friendship with, her.

Another myth or superstition is that marriage on April Fools' Day is not a good idea for a man, for he will be permanently ruled by his wife. Also, it is believed that children born on this day will experience good luck in most matters, but will only meet with disaster when it comes to gambling.


Hoaxes
Many media organizations have either unwittingly or deliberately propagated hoaxes on April Fools' Day. Even normally serious news media consider April Fools' Day hoaxes fair game, and spotting them has become an annual pastime. The advent of the Internet as a worldwide communications medium has also assisted the pranksters in their work.


Well-known April Fool's Day hoaxes
Kremvax: one of the early Internet April Fool's day hoaxes.


San Serriffe: The Guardian printed a supplement featuring this fictional island (a reference to "sans-serif", a family of typefaces).


Smell-o-vision: The BBC purported to conduct a trial of a new technology allowing the transmission of odor over the airwaves to all viewers. Despite the fact that no such capability existed, many viewers reportedly contacted the BBC to report the trial's success.


Spaghetti trees: The BBC television program Panorama ran a famous hoax in 1957, showing the Swiss harvesting spaghetti from trees. A lot of people wanted spaghetti trees of their own.


Metric time: Repeated several times in various countries over the years, this hoax claims that the time system will be changed to some system where one subdivision is some power of 10 smaller than the next. The idea to metricise time was suggested in France after the French Revolution: see French Revolutionary Calendar.
Tower of Pisa: The Dutch television news once reported that the famous Tower of Pisa had fallen over. Many shocked and even mourning people contacted the television studio.
Television licence: In another year the Dutch television news reported that the government had introduced a new way to detect hidden televisions (in many countries in Europe, one must pay a television licence to fund public broadcasting) by simply driving through the streets with a new detector, and that the only way to keep your television from being detected was to wrap it in aluminum foil. Within a few hours all aluminum foil was sold out throughout the country.

Sidd Finch: George Plimpton wrote an article in Sports Illustrated about a New York Mets prospect who could throw a fastball at 176 mph (the fastest pitchers in baseball barely reach 100mph). This kid was known as "Barefoot" Sidd Finch. He reportedly learned to throw a ball that fast in a Buddhist monastery, and also threw a javelin a quarter of a mile at the British Olympic tryouts. Plimpton said the boy refused to go to the Olympics for fear of hurting someone. Barefoot Sidd was later the subject of a moderately successful book.

Radio Station "Power 106": A Los Angeles radio station "announced" a change from pop to disco music at 7:00 AM, April 1, (1993?). After 12 hours they admitted it was a joke, and switched back to their standard playlist. Within minutes complaints rolled in of "where's the disco?", and the station actually changed formats the next day (and kept disco for a year or two).

Australian Radio Station Triple J: On 1999-04-01, breakfast show co-host Adam Spencer said he had a journalist on the line from overseas where there had just been a secret 9 hour IOC meeting and that Sydney had lost the 2000 Olympic Games. New South Wales Premier Bob Carr was also in on the joke. The story was picked up by mainstream media (including Channel 9's Today Show) before Adam revealed the truth.
Assassination of Bill Gates: many Chinese and South Korean websites claimed that CNN reported Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft, was assassinated.

Write Only Memory, advertised for sale by Signetics in April of 1972; included in its IC databooks through the late 70s.

Death of a Mayor: in 1998, local radio hosts Opie and Anthony reported that Boston mayor Thomas Menino had been killed in a car accident while in Florida. Menino happened to be on a flight at the time, lending truth to the prank as he could not be reached. The rumor spread quickly across the city, eventually causing news stations to issue alerts denying the hoax. The pair were fired shortly thereafter.
Wheel of Fortune/Jeopardy! Double Switch: In 1997, Pat Sajak, the host of Wheel of Fortune, traded hosting duties with Jeopardy!'s Alex Trebek for one show. In addition to Sajak hosting Jeopardy!, he and cohost Vanna White appeared as contestants on the episode of Wheel that was being hosted by Trebek. White's position at the famed Wheel letterboard was filled by Sajak's wife Leslie.
Comic strip switcheroo: Traditionally, the cartoonists who draw a number of popularly sydicated comic strips will switch roles for a day, each finding someone else to draw their strip for April Fools'.

The Trouble with Tracy: In 2003, The Comedy Network in Canada announced that it would be producing and airing a remake of the 1970s Canadian sitcom The Trouble with Tracy, with Laurie Elliott in the role of Tracy (originally played by Diane Nylund). The original series is widely considered to be one of the worst sitcoms ever produced. Several media outlets fell for the hoax.
Shuttle landing: A Vancouver radio station successfully tricked many listeners in believing that the space shuttle had to do an emergency landing at the Vancouver International Airport.
Howard Stern's April 1st, 2004 show: The show started off with a message stating that due to increased pressure from the FCC, the Howard Stern show had been cancelled, and they played pop songs till after 9:00 am, when Stern came back on and said it was a joke. The pop music was a joke due to the fact that Stern's home station is 92.3 FM K-ROCK, a popular alternative rock station.

Taco Liberty Bell: On April 1, 1996, Taco Bell took out a full-page advertisement in The New York Times announcing that they had purchased the Liberty Bell to "reduce the country's debt" and renamed it to "the Taco Liberty Bell." In a White House press conference, Mike McCurry was quoted as saying that the federal government would also be "selling the Lincoln Memorial to Ford Motor Co. and renaming it the Lincoln-Mercury Memorial." Thousands of people who did not immediately get the April Fool's Day hoax protested.

In 1995, the National Television Station TVM in Malta announced the discovery of a new underground prehistoric temple. The discovery of a mummy eventually led to the announcement that it was an April's Fool joke. This was done during a TV programme conducted by John Demanuele.

Another famous April's Fool Joke was carried out by newscaster Anna Bonanno, which announced that Malta would follow the European continent in changing its motoring rules and motor vehicles would start driving on the right. At the end of the news, it was announced that this was nothing but an April's Fool Joke.
In 2005, one of the largest P2P web sites in China, VeryCD, announced that it had been closed due to some uncontrollable force.
Alternative 3, a fictional documentary broadcast in the United Kingdom in 1977, was originally intended as an April Fool's Day hoax, but due to industrial action it was not broadcast until June. This exposé of international collusion to prepare for global catastrophe fooled many people, and is still the subject of conspiracy theories.
On the first of April, 2004, suprnova.org announced that, owing to a huge surge in Japanese traffic, the site would slowly transition to Japanese, and discontinue its English-language version.

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