Ireland's first contact with outer space, be Gorrah

Imagine this. It’s 4,000BC and it’s the middle of Leitrim in the grips of a fiercely cold winter. You’re out in your animal skins looking for grubs, berries, or just anything to feed your starving family. There’s a blizzard of icy cold rain (which only occurs in Leitrim folks) blowing into places that would make a saint join a satanic occult.


Then all of a sudden, the whole place is lit up with a white, brilliant light. A giant space craft comes out of the sky, but as you’ve never seen or heard of Star Trek you reckon it to be a giant shining cart. "Christ", you’d say to yourself in about 4,000 years, but seeing as he hasn’t yet been born, you make do with "Quarkforn" (Don’t ask. The ways of the ancients are best left to them).

The giant cart lands just metres, or in BC parlance, a stone’s throw away from where you’ve just been digging for grubs. A long gangplank - or bridge to you - descends from its underbelly.

You’re amazed at this sight, not because it’s so futuristic. No, you’re amazed because the gangplank is so straight and a straight edge in Leitrim circa 4,000BC is about as common place as an algorithm.

You’re so dumb struck by the sight of something straight that you almost miss the five small green creatures that descend down the straight bridge and walk right up to you and say: "Blip globben sakandra do neiteve".

Almost speechless, but not quite, you manage to mutter: "Fecking Kalder H. Quarkforn".

The aliens realise you’re ineptitude at inter species conversation and having the presence of mind to bring along a universal translator they duly begin to make themselves heard to you, but, despite their technology being so advanced, they still manage to muck up the translation into ancient Irish.

"Top of the mornin’ to ya," they say while you’re flabber is gasted. "Be gorrah there’ll be some fine cuttin’ done on the day that’s in it to be sure," they continue in unison because that’s the way aliens talk. All at once and all together.

"What nonsense is this that you utter onto me," you reply slightly annoyed at their poor use of Irish.

"Ah sure it’s a grand job we ran into ye boy as we’re looking to knock the heads off a ye Venusians, so we are, to be sure as sure can be," they say rolling up their sleeves in preparation for some fisticuffs.

"Venusians," you reply incredulously. "I’ll have you know we’re Terrans young man. Yes, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong neck of the woods if its Venusians you’re after. You want to go one more planet closer to the sun and that should see you right."

"Sorry to have been troubling you sir, sure will be on our way and thanking you with 100,000 thankyou’s to be sure," they say as they leave.

And so Earth’s first contact with aliens ended up with the aliens leaving and taking with them their straight lines and symmetrical cart while leaving the poor folk of Ireland with a very silly way of talking.