Captain Spud falls in love

The bog bubbled and spluttered. It stopped, started again and then burped before a terrifying dark figure arose from it’s bottomless gut. Captain Spud was back.

He had hidden in the bog for over a week. Being a super-hero wasn’t that easy, especially in Mayo. There weren’t too many villains too apprehend, just the odd missing sheep to rescue from a dangerous precipice, so Peadar had decided to get away from it all by hiding in the bog.

He had read that when the Vampire Lestat had become disillusioned with the world he had hidden himself in the ground, so Peadar decided to do the same, except in a bog.

It had been well worth the discomfort of being soaking wet. Well worth the countless bog insects that had managed to nest in some very awkward places indeed. Now he knew what it was he had been looking for. A cause. A worthy opponent for his super human powers, but where would he find such a rival?

Luckily his creator, the entity that he called God, others called Buddha, some revered as Allah, but, who was in reality none other than Gumbo Varterek of Kreelgor, was still rather embarrassed at his rather silly faux pas in creating our hero. He now had to put up with all sorts of jibes from the denizens of Kreelgor and it’s neighbouring world of Abaljudgutnock, to add to the constant abuse he had been receiving from humanity since he first accidentally created mankind.

He had actually been trying to create a race in his own image who would worship him. It had been an obsession since his wife, who had always made a fool of him, ran off with a trapeze artist from a travelling circus that wasn’t even in town.

It was probably just as well for the human race that he didn’t succeed, with it being a well known fact that the Kreelgorians are without doubt the most hideous and vile species in the known universe. Indeed a hypothetical algorithm has proven that they are the most hideous and vile race in the unknown universe as well. Mankind has a lot to thank the malfunctioning Qauntum Atom Flexor for.

So Gumbo decided that he would show them all. He would finally prove himself someone worthy of worship. He would create a being of true purity, with crystal clarity of mind, a being who always knew right from wrong, someone who could teach a race the secrets of the universe, a visionary for the future. He picked a woman.

It wasn’t really his fault. He hadn’t really paid that much attention to the Earth after the first Millennia of abuse. He had stumbled across some web site during his research which just happened to be a long list of complaints by a woman against her husband, whom she had now left to go and join a commune in North Dakota. He reckoned that the list made a lot of sense and decided that she would be an ideal candidate for his perfect being. But since she had been killed mysteriously in an oven accident, she wasn’t really an option anymore.


He did a random search through his database of humanity, closed his eyes and stuck a pin out at his VDU.

Captain Spud had decided to come up to Dublin. This is where all the badness and nastiness happened. It was to him the centre of all things un-Irish. Like most people from rural areas he didn’t really know much about his capital. So on arrival he went into the nearest shop to buy a guide. He found the places to go section and immediately one place stood out from all the others. The Horse Shoe Bar.

In his haste to get on with the business of cleansing the streets of Dublin from all things un-Irish, he neglected to actually read the listing for the Horse Shoe Bar. If he had done so he would have realised that it was not a drinking hole for horse dealers and by association cattle dealers. It was in fact a drinking den for corrupt and not so corrupt politicians, boozed out hacks and happy go lucky Dublin 4 girls waving around daddy’s credit card and smiling at any man who looked like he had a bigger credit card then daddy. Not quite the same thing really is it?

He arrived just in time to witness the event which was going to have a profound effect on his and everyone else’s life.

A young lady in her twenties, wearing a nice combo of Gucci, Versace and Prada, lay writhing in fits on the floor. There was a crowd gathered around her, but Peadar noticed that no one was helping. He rushed to her aid only to reach her just as she turned to face him and vomit three hours of white wine spritzer and snacks all over him.

Stinking, he tried to calm the young lady, but her fits and vomiting were getting too intense, even for a man with super powers.

Then without warning it all ended. She looked at him. He looked at her. Gumbo, their creator watched them both from his VDU. The patrons in the bar were all to busy to look or care. They were now suffering from that strange affliction that begets most people when they see someone puke. They start to vomit, which nastily turns into a vicious circle of vomiting, from which no one can escape

Peadar felt something between them, something that he had never felt before. A kindrid spirit. She was like him. She had powers like him. He was no longer alone, or was he.

Next week: who is this new super-human.