Spudnik

Quotes for today

2007-01-25T10:25:00.000Z

"It is always easier to believe than to deny. Our minds are naturally affirmative." - John Burroughs

"With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life." - PJ O'Rourke

"Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250" - Harper's Index

Make up department in RTE comes under fire as Charlie Bird called 'orange bastard'

2006-02-27T00:19:00.000Z

The make-up department in RTE has come under fire from TV chiefs for "making our broadcast staff look like orange bastards". Ruling Manderins at the semi-state broadcaster are said to be furious that chief news correspondent Charlie Bird was targeted by rioters in Dublin city centre on Saturday who called the journalist an "orange bastard".

The clearly emotional Bird was punched and then chased as he tried to escape the racists.

"I wasn't born orange you know. These racists took their anger out on me because of a mistake in the blending of rouge and foundation back in the RTE make-up department," said a tearful Bird as the eyliner ran down his bruised and blackened cheeks.

"I just feel so sorry for those in the North who are born with this natural affliction. Poor bast...I mean sods," added a highly charged Bird.

When the head satsuma on the RTE non-elected-government-appointed-no-conflict-of-interest-authority heard of the violence dished out to one of the news department he said: "We're fed up with the constant cock ups from the make-up department. One minute you can't see our broadcasters's for the bad lighting, the next, they're all fucking tangoed. It looks like we're broadcasting out of Umpa Lumpa land," said an irate Han di Monay.

Mr di Monay said that he personally would look into the so-called jobs for the "Foxrock girls" in the make-up and morkeshing departments at the beleagured station.

"All these young ones who are coming in from UCD are taking real jobs away from young men. It's got to stop...Are ye right Sharon," Mr di Monay said from his coupe before he sped away with the young blonde for the weekend.

A whole tranch of RTE broadcasters and presenters could not be contacted for comment from their hospital beds in St Vincents at the weekend, although Marion Finucane refused to confirm or deny she said "up the Raa" at Saturday's riots. Riiiiight!

Is it love or hate coming to town in tomorrow’s Love Ulster parade

2006-02-24T13:24:00.000Z

There appear to be mixed messages coming from the organiser’s of tomorrow’s Love Ulster parade in Dublin. Organiser Willie Frazer originally said that the parade was intended "to convey the message about how our relatives died at the hands of the IRA."

Today, speaking on RTE, he said the parade was to show "unionist culture" to the people of Dublin.

Yesterday, in the Daily Ireland newspaper he said that he would not stop anyone on the march from carrying posters of a man allegedly involved in the 1974 Dublin bombings that killed 26 people.

"I can’t give a guarantee a photograph of Robert McConnell will not be carried because I wouldn’t be against anyone carrying Robert’s photograph," said Mr Frazer.

Before adding: "Anybody I know who knew Robert would say there is no way he was involved in anything. He was involved with the security forces and he helped the SAS and stuff like that but a lot of people would say that was just part of his job."

At the end of January Frazer said this: ""We do not want to bring Dublin to a standstill, nor cause offence, and we hope we will be allowed to walk peacefully in Dublin to convey the message about how our relatives died at the hands of the IRA."

Tell me this Mr Frazer, if you don’t want to cause offence, whey would you allow marchers to carry posters of a man allegedly involved in the 1974 bombings?

Unbeknownst to us all: World peace if only we were all like Mary Harney

2006-01-18T13:08:00.000Z

Mary Harney, the Minister and picture of Health, has, without so much as breaking sweat, solved the problem of MRSA in hospitals. It seems that the problem, unbeknownst to all experts, but, apparently staring all of them in the face, is people who visit sick people in hospitals.

Those dastardly visitors of sick and ailing relatives are, according to the Minister, and she would know, unhygienic and therefore the root of all MRSA evil in hospitals. Well, tie me kangaroo down sport.

Naturally this has all come as something as a shock to regular hospital visitors and the sick and ailing recipients of such visits. It goes without saying that this problem was unbeknownst to both visitors and visitees until Ms Harney so eloquently got on the ball. Indeed their collective flabbers were well and truly gasted at this massive revelation.

But, as with most things in life, one answer can lead to a thousand questions, and so it is with this latest missive from the Department of Health.

If the visitors are causing MRSA in hospitals, are they then becoming infected when they leave?

If infected, who is treating them?

If left untreated, are the infected going off to ditches to die like fatally injured dogs do in Meath?

When dead, are their corpses consumed by bone gnawing vermin like rats and badgers who then spread the MRSA bug into the eco-system with the potential to cause a extinction event to humainty in Co Meath?

Thank the lord Mary Harney has her finger on the pulse of the Health system.

McDowell gambles political career on being right about Frank Connolly

2005-12-13T19:13:00.000Z

The one thing everyone can say about Justice Minister Michael McDowell, is that he never backs down. As the controversy surrounding his Dail statement alleging Frank Connolly’s connections to the Columbia 3 and a false passport application gains a bringing-down-the-government type momentum, McDowell ain’t for turning. If he’s wrong, he’s gone.

He said that he revealed the garda documents about Frank Connolly to protect the State from subversion. He didn’t say how Connolly was subverting the State, or how a visit to Columbia was subverting the State. As Prof Dermot Walsh of the University of Limerick told The Irish Times today: "The principle of innocence until proven guilty is fundamental to civilisation throughout the world. Leaking documents from a criminal investigation to a particular newspaper - that's subversion of the State."

If McDowell is wrong about Connolly then his crusade against Connolly will look like the biggest witch hunt since Salem.

It’s no secret that Connolly as a journalist was unpopular in political circles because, as an investigative reporter he - shock and horror - exposed scandals. Like the scandal involving planning corruption that led to the Flood tribunal. Oh yeah, and that other scandal involving corrupt gardai in Donegal which led to another tribunal and a damning report from the tribunal chairman.

And before anyone goes putting 3 & 8 together and coming up with 42, let’s be clear about one thing, there could never be any question that the gardai would have a file on Connolly that they, erm, shouldn’t have. Got that. It just couldn’t happen, right!

And then there’s this other thing Connolly was involved in. The setting up of the Centre for Public Inquiry (CPI). An independent body set up to examine issues of public importance and most likely expose corruption during the course of its findings. Now who’d want a thing like that?

Both McDowell and Bertie Ahern lobbied the Irish-American millionaire and patron of the CPI, Chuck Feeny, on behalf of, erm, themselves. They told Feeny of Connolly’s alleged dodgy tooing and froing and Feeny believed them. Feeny withdrew funding of Eur800,000 from the CPI on the basis of conversations with Ahern and McDowell.

But, it seems everything is beginning to go a little pear-shaped for the government. Rumour has it that Feeny is going to chuck (sorry) his money back in. Perhaps just in time for the CPI’s next investigation. Thornton Hall. Remember that one. The prison in the middle of no-where that cost an arm and a leg.

There is one thing for sure that would bring McDowell down on his knees. An explanation from Connolly as to his whereabouts when allegedly he was in Colombia. He says he’s never been there.

Most people are suspicious that he has something to hide by not being forthright with his explanations. If he’s biding his time to drop a bombshell on McDowell, there’ll be a new government within months.

Quotations for today

2005-11-23T12:02:00.000Z

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. - Sam Levenson (1911 - 1980)
When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it. - Bernard Bailey
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769 - 1821)

Sad Notice of death of Hokey Kokey composer

2005-11-23T11:21:00.000Z

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The Hokey Kokey' died peacefully at the grand age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family, was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in; and then the trouble started...

Keane sacked by MU?

2005-11-18T15:04:00.000Z

RTE Radio reported at lunchtime today that Roy Keane was sacked by Manchester United and did not leave by mutual consent.

RTE’s sports editor, Tony O’Donoghue, claimed that Keane’s family had said Roy had turned up for a reserve game last night and was told there was no place for him. When Keane asked why, he was told to ring Alex Ferguson.

When he rang Ferguson he was the told to speak to his agent, Michael Kennedy.

If this version of events stands up to be true, it’s a pretty disgraceful way to sack the best player ever to play for Manchester United. I would have thought Alex Ferguson would have had the decency to tell Roy to his face

Rafferty murder inquest adjourned for a year

2005-11-08T15:31:00.000Z

The inquest into the death of Dublin man Joseph Rafferty who was shot dead outside his home has been adjourned for a year by the Dublin County Coroners Court.

Rafferty (29), with an address at Hayworth Court, Ongar, Clonsilla, was shot dead as he came out of his home in the early hours of April 12th. The court heard today he was killed by a single shot to the chest.

Gardai today applied for an adjournment of the inquest due to the fact there was an ongoing criminal investigation into the killing.

Det Insp Thomas O'Loughlin told the Coroner, Dr Kieran Geraghty, this investigation "may take considerable time" and asked for a year's adjournment.

Dr Geraghty adjourned the inquest to November 14th, 2006.

Members of the Rafferty family were not present at the inquest.

The claim Joseph Rafferty was shot dead by a Provisional IRA member after arguing with a republican family. Sinn Fein denies the claim.

D4 residents in Uri Gellar bent spoon row

2005-10-12T16:47:00.000+01:00

Irate D4 residents voiced their anger today at Uri Gellar in what they described as an unprovoked attack on cutlery in the posh Dublin suburb.

Thousands of phone calls jammed the lines of radio stations as residents complained to anyone who would listen - Joe Duffy - at the visit to Lansdowne Road yesterday of Uri Gellar, the famous Israeli spoon bender turned good vibes and positive thinking guru.

Gellar visited the Old stadium yesterday to spread some good vibes and positive thinking in a bid to assist a hapless Irish soccer team to victory over the watching making country of Switzerland.

Speaking to anyone who would listen - crap RTE programmes - Gellar urged the Irish people to put their hands together and shout "win Ireland, win".

He did offer some health and safety precautions to those driving vehicles and said maybe drivers should only take one hand off the wheel and touch the radio and say the chant. We don’t want anyone to crash during the chanting as that would only spread bad vibes.

However, Gellars good intentions towards the Irish football team cut no ice with the perennially angry, moany residents of Ballsbridge and its environs.

One angry caller to a radio show complained: "Gellar’s just a menace to decent residents. He says he doesn’t bend spoons anymore, but, that’s clearly a lie.

"The silver spoon that was in my mouth when I was born and which is the centre piece on my sideboard display is bent out of all proportion," said Ms Mona Lott.

"He should be trying to help Israel qualify anyway. And what’s this I hear about him going to be flying around in a helicopter in a bid to send positive thoughts to the Irish team. What’s going to happen to the rotor blades on the helicopter?" she asked.

Local hardware stores in the D4 area have reported a big increase in lead sales as residents attempt to protect their cutlery from Gellars amazing powers.

Did the Ira really kill Joe Rafferty?

2005-10-11T10:36:00.000+01:00

The simple answer is no. Despite current speculation that Rafferty was gunned down outside his home in Ongar west Dublin last April by an Ira hit man, the Ira didn’t murder Rafferty.

The gunman himself could well have been involved in the Ira - indeed, it was confirmed to The Irish Times that the only suspect in the case was in the Ira and still has strong links to the organisation - but that still doesn’t make the hit an Ira one.

The story doing the rounds at the moment and one that is being particularly promoted by Rafferty’s sister, Esther Uzell, is that Rafferty got into a dispute with some men from the same family from the Ringsend area of Dublin’s south-inner city where he is originally from.

The dispute had its roots in a fight at a party in the south inner city last October at which three brothers from the area assaulted two young members of Rafferty's family. I understand that those family members were female.

Rafferty bumped into one of the brothers on the street the next day and - this is speculation on my part, but it seems logical - Rafferty dished a out a couple of slaps. There followed a number of incidents involving attacks on property owned by the Rafferty family.

Rafferty was also told a number of times by members of the family he had clashed with that he would be "got" by the IRA.

The mother of the brothers that Rafferty got into dispute with is in a relationship with the only suspect in the case, the former Ira man.

What puzzles me here is why would Rafferty be told he’d be "got"? Why not just "get him"?

And then there’s the big question. Why would a former Ira man go to all the bother of assassinating Rafferty - remember this murder was meticulously planned - over what was probably a couple of slaps? To impress his new mot? To stand up for guys who aren’t his sons?

It appears that before the killing Esther Uzell had gone to local SF councillor Daithi Doolin to tell him of the threats to her brother Joe. From what I can gather, she didn’t go to the gardai to tell them. Why? Did she have something to fear by going to the gardai?

Uzell now wants SF to put pressure on the suspect to come forward, but both Doolin and the leader of Sinn Féin's council representatives, Christy Burke, have said the suspect is not in the Ira and that SF have no influence on him. They say they can’t confirm whether he was previously in the Ira as "the Ira don’t say who their members were and are".

But, since when have SF not had any influence in Dublin’s inner city?

Was Rafferty shot for something more than just a few slaps? Something criminal perhaps that SF don’t want to get involved in? Uzell herself has been quoted in the Northside people as saying the brothers are running around Ringsend selling drugs and still threatening her family to drop their campaign.

If the truth is to be found in Uzell’s determination to have her brother’s killer bought to justice and that her version of events bears out to be accurate, the what’s the point in having SF in inner city areas where a lot of former Ira men enjoy the criminal life.

However, if her brother - or some other family member - was involved in some shady dealings that went pear shaped and inevitably led to the killing, she should leave well alone.

There are some things money can't buy - for everything else there's Fianna Fail

2005-10-05T14:48:00.000+01:00

Overpriced land for new prison - 30 million

MIT Europe Fiasco - 40 million

An electronic voting system that can't be used - 52 million

A payroll system that pays staff 1 million a month - 160 million

Having a government that blows our cash - Priceless

There are some things money can't buy - for everything else there's Fianna Fail - Courtesy of Spudnik's wife

Mad Dog bites mad bitch

2005-09-27T15:47:00.000+01:00

Former loyalist paramilitary leader Johnny Adair has been arrested on suspicion of assaulting his wife. Adair, who is also known as ‘Mad Dog’, was arrested by Greater Manchester Police yesterday evening after officers were called to a park in Horwich, near Bolton. He was being questioned by officers today. He and his wife fled to Horwich after an internal feud within the Ulster Defence Association (UDA), of which he was once a senior member.

Ian Brown says Bono is ‘such a fake’

2005-09-23T11:10:00.000+01:00

There’s an interesting read in the Guardian today with former Stone Roses frontman Ian Brown. The best bit is where he says: "Through those years, he says, he was always sure the Roses would make it. Why? "Because I knew we loved music and I knew what time of day it was, and I knew Bono was faking. He's such a fake, isn't he? When he did Live Aid which made them a worldwide group and he looked out and seen that black girl in the middle of all them people, and she's from Hackney or something, and he was like, 'Here's a great shot for me around the world to show I'm Mr Africa'. It's like colonialist times with a big white hat."

Rafferty’s murder by IRA will see no one brought to justice

2005-09-21T18:50:00.000+01:00

While it might be debatable as to whether the McCartney sisters will see justice over the killing of their brother Robert, it seems that the family of Joseph Rafferty, who was shot dead by an IRA gunman in a west Dublin housing estate in April, are more likely never to see anyone prosecuted for the murder of their family member.

While the killing of Robert McCartney was brutal and savage, it essentially stemmed from a row in a pub and pervious bad feeling. The killing of Rafferty was a lot more insidious.

Joe Rafferty was assassinated because he stood up to a man who had assaulted his little sister. He was shot by a gunman who was dressed in builders clothing as he was about to drive off to work from his apartment in the Ongar area of Dublin 15.

The gunman had clearly planned the operation for several days, hence the disguise of builders clothing in an area still under development.

Rafferty, despite constant warnings and threats from what are believed to be Dublin Sinn Fein members, still stood up to the man who assaulted his sister. He paid with his life.

It is also likely that this episode will soon be forgotten and that no one is ever likely to be prosecuted.

If Sinn Fein are aware of the people involved in Rafferty’s murder, and lets not kid ourselves that they’re not, then what does that say about one of the potentially biggest political parties in Ireland.

Who would you rather have? Messrs Haughey, Burke and Lawlor and their conniving and swindling, or your ex-IRA volunteer Sinn Fein member?

As a republican I’m sickened. I’d hoped Sinn Fein would bring republican idealism to bear on Irish politics, but instead, it seems that covering up murder committed by its members is one of its major policies.

Boring, boring Premiership has eaten itself

2005-09-21T13:56:00.000+01:00

Something is definitely in the air. Almost every soccer fan I know - sports journalists and friends alike - are doing what is almost unthinkable for arm-chair fans. They’re agreeing. Agreeing that the Premiership just ain’t interesting no more.

Most, it seems, are pissed off with the hype. We’re constantly bombarded with ‘morkeshing’ telling us it’s the greatest league in the world. Yeah? Is that why English teams dominate the European competitions?

And then there’s the money. Millions paid to thicks who would probably find it difficult to comprehend the contracts they’ve signed. The clubs do everything to pamper they’re players. Witness a recent BBC documentary about the sad life of footballers when they retire when Mike "Razor" Ruddock declared: "I didn’t know how to do anything. When the boiler on the central heating broke I didn’t know what to do. The club did all that."

Any wonder then they constantly end up in the tabloids in gang-bang/rape stories?

Simon Hattenstone in today’s Guardian compares and contrasts English footballers with the Ashes winning English cricketers. He writes: "...when England won they managed to go on a bender without being charged with common assault or rape."

If you compare the same stars to the GAA’s amateurs - those players who every summer create sporting lore and legend for no recompense - the picture of the spoilt Premiership brat gets even sadder.

Try comparing hurling and football to soccer. Ever watch a soccer match after watching the hurling? Just pure shite. No excitement and no commitment.

Where’s all the skill and excitement gone from the Premiership? It would be interesting to have a word with the editors who put together the Sky packages to see if they have more or less choice of footage to splice together when doing the highlights or best of the season segments.

The money stakes are high in the Premiership and for club owners, especially for those clubs that populate the mid-to-low table, it is essential not to get relegated and face the prospect of millions walking out the door.

Getting a result - any result as long as it’s not a loss - is the object of the game and it doesn’t matter how you get it is the mantra of many clubs in the English top-flight. Win ugly? Who cares?, it’s a win.

Arsenal’s manager, Arsene Wenger recently bemoaned the fact that many teams were playing negatively, but, haven’t we heard this before from the Frenchman when Arsenal have failed to break down stubborn mid-table opposition.

And while one might point out to Mr Wenger that he might try and use some different tactics, his argument can still be backed up by looking elsewhere.

Greece in Euro 2004. Porto in the Champions League 2004. And then Chelsea.

Every one wants to blame Chelsea for the demise of the Premiership. "They’ve just gone and bought it, haven’t they," is the common cry. But, it seems, Chelsea’s success is more to do with Jose Mourhino’s football ethos, than Roman Abramovich’s billions.

Real Madrid used to spend more than anyone else on players, but, never, ever resorted to winning ugly.

The most entertainment you’re likely to get out of a Mourniho side is the manager’s pre and post-match interviews in which he invariably hypes everything up like a world title contest in boxing.

It’s all been hyped up so much, not just by the likes of Mourinho, but also the very tiresome Wenger v Ferguson spats and of course Sky Sports.

Every now and then Pop music does eat itself, but, it always comes back. You’d think there’s too much money at stake for soccer not to come back. But, you’d have to ask, if it was such a beautiful game before the Premiership, why were the crowds so low?

Irish sunbathers cause interstellar war

2005-09-13T17:58:00.000+01:00

It's now official. Thanks to the diligence of Spudnik and the multi-trillions of cash invested in a high grade state-of-the-art interstellar satellite network, Spudnik can now report that there is life on other planets. And they're not very happy with Earth. Well with Ireland, but they can't tell the difference from 350,000 light years away.

There must be many questions that are being asked by you right now. How could a mere blogger know about life on other planets? Why does Spudnik have a high grade state-of-the-art interstellar satellite network? And probably the most poignant of them all, has Spudnik lost the plot and finally cracked up?

Patience all, patience.

The explanation is quite simple really. Not so many moons ago, Ireland had the Gods smile upon it and bless the simple happy folk of the land with a very rare and precious gift. A week of sunshine in the summer.

There was much rejoicing and merriment across Ireland's green and fair isle. Much alcohol was consumed. This in turn led to yet more merriment, more than the good folk could cope with. So the Gods duly took the sunny weather away again. But the damage had been done.

While the good folk - and they are quite good - had the pleasure of uninterrupted sunshine and warmth, they enjoyed it to the full. The people of Ireland sunbathed.

There were what would be hideous scenes to foreigners but quite normal to Ireland as millions of red-head freckily Irish men and women flocked to the beach and stripped off and revealed their bluer-than-white skin to all and sundry.

Spudnik has mentioned before about the dangers of Irish people taking off their clothes in public. For those of you who have never seen an Irish person with most of their kit off, it's not pleasant, so brace yourselves.

It really is simple. You see for millennia the Irish have evolved in a country which has had very little sunshine and therefore the Irish have evolved with extraordinary white skin. As a result when the sun shines and the Irish are sunbathing, there is a huge reflection from the sun off their skin causing blinding white light. This has caused hazards for drivers and pilots of aircraft, but never before has it caused the death of so many.

Which brings us back to life on other planets.

During the recent sunny spell over the last few days, millions of the aforementioned red headed and bluey-white skinned Irish took to the beaches and stripped off at the same time. This sent a massive wave of reflected bright light out into deep space. 350,000 light years into deep space, to a planet known to it's inhabitants as Kerrpoof.

The Poofs, as they are know to their neighbours, are a civilisation of astronomers. They had recently found life on a small little planet some 350,000 light years away.

As the whole planet turned their telescopes on Earth, you know, to see for themselves, they were greeted by a massive wave of reflected white light down their scopes.

The Poofs being beings of a planet that has little sunshine (so not to dissimilar to Ireland then - Ed) are no good at coping with bright light. In fact it's fatal to them.

Not all who died were killed first time round. Some Poofs of course had to work and on hearing the news decided to have a look for themselves. The Poofs are a nosy sort you see, and they in turn suffered the same fate as the other Poofs before them.

This is where the Spudnik’s high grade state-of-the-art interstellar satellite network comes in.

Spudnik has sighted on it's scopes a giant fleet of spacecraft heading towards our solar system. A fleet of mother ships, brother ships, half-sister ships, in-laws ships and other ships which weren't family members but were friendly enough to be considered as such.

There is only one hope for us all. Pray that the Gods will smile on Ireland again, so the Irish can strip off and defeat the alien invasion.

Pray hard. Your life depends on it.

Quotations for today

2005-08-16T13:48:00.000+01:00

Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes. - Mahatma Gandhi
Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might be found more suitable mates. But the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to. - J. R. R. Tolkien, in a letter to Michael Tolkien, March 1941
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. Farmers' Almanac, 1978

It's good to talk, but we've lost the art of conversation

2005-08-16T13:44:00.000+01:00

From the Guardian: Creativity and freedom have given way to egotism and adversarialism

Mo Mowlam reported 'critical' in London hospital

2005-08-03T17:43:00.000+01:00

Former Northern Secretary Dr Mo Mowlam is critically ill in hospital tonight.

Dr Mowlam previously suffered a brain tumour and has appeared increasingly frail in recent months.

The ex-MP is at London's King's College Hospital where a spokeswoman described her condition as "critical but stable".

Dr Mowlam served as the British government minister for the North from May 1997 to October 1999, during the crucial phase during which the Belfast Agreeement was signed in 1998.

Actually, I think I may like the silly season

2005-08-03T13:57:00.000+01:00

A story from Sky about Natwest apologising to a customer after sending him a debit card bearing the name "Dick Head".

Good old fashioned yank and hack to fix Space Shuttle

2005-08-03T13:40:00.000+01:00

Armed with forceps and a saw, Astronaut Stephen Robinson will attempt to remove two ceramic strips stciking out of Shuttle Discovery's heat shield. He will first attempt to pull them out with his hands, if that fails, pull them out with a forceps, and failing that, hack them off with a hacksaw. So much for technology, eh?

The efforts some soldiers go to to avoid their letters being censored

2005-08-03T13:33:00.000+01:00

The an intersting article on the BBC about letters written by soldiers in a time of war. "My dear/dearest/darling, I can't write much today as I am very overworked/busy/tired/lazy.
We/The Huns put up a bit of a show last night/yesterday with(out) complete/tolerable/any success. I am suffering from a slight/severe wound/shock/shell-shock.
How are the poultry including cows/potatoes/children getting on?
________________________ (Insert here protestations of affection - NOT TO EXCEED 10 WORDS)
Ever _____ (State what ever) xxxxxxxxxxxxxx"

Don't you just hate the silly season?

2005-08-03T11:42:00.000+01:00

Don't you just hate the silly season?, especially when you find crud like this: One of the original members of Westlife, Michael Garret, has graduated as a garda. He originally sang with the band IOU before they were turned into Westlife by Louis Walsh.

Sky take the biscuit

2005-07-21T16:59:00.000+01:00

While always being up-to-date, Sky News can sometimes take the biscuit while trying to be sensationalist: Sky, quoting "unofficial police sources", reported that staff at University College Hospital had been passed an internal memo asking them to look out for a black, possibly Asian man, around 6ft 2ins tall, possibly with wires protruding from a hole in his blue top. They were instructed to call 999 if they saw the man, according to the report.

McDowell believes Asbo’s won’t work, but, will score big with voters

2005-07-05T15:32:00.000+01:00

Many are questioning the motivation behind Justice Minister Michael McDowell’s plans for the introduction of Asbo’s, but, the reality is, they’ll be a big vote getter.

"Asbo’s are a typical hardline policy of McDowell," they say. "Just look at his insensitivity to asylum-seekers," they cry. "He’s just a headline grabber."

The last statement is most certainly true, and that is really how you can define Michael McDowell and his policies. Grab the headlines, grab the political kudos. Make the most waves, make the most publicity. His style is that of an American Republican, just a little bit more watered down and without the bible bashing, although, if Ireland was a country where pulpit preaching won votes, you could imagine the Minister quoting from Leviticus ad nauseum.

And it doesn’t seem to matter to him how bizarre the headline grabbing is as witnessed by his outrageous performance on Questions and Answers the other week.

When the subject of asylum-seekers came up on the programme, McDowell produced an asylum application where the applicant said he wanted asylum because he was a king in his village and he didn’t want his son to become king. While trying to prove his claim about bogus asylum seekers, McDowell forgot about the many who come here fleeing war, persecution, rape, slavery and famine.

But it’s all water off a ducks back to McDowell and no amount of embarrassment seems to dissuade him - it’s little wonder he’s a thick skin when you consider his moniker in college was Liga baby, in reference to his remarkable similarity in appearance to the baby that appears on a box of Liga biscuits.

So if he doesn’t care about hardline policies on asylum, then it’s highly unlikely that he’s going to care about a hardline policy like Abso’s. Both policies are vote getters. Go and visit the Dublin 6 and 4 areas and compare and contrast with Dublin 15 in terms of racial mix. McDowell’s constituents don’t want asylum-seekers in their area, and they don’t get them.

Bringing in Asbo’s will be great news for his rich, middle to upper class voters as well. No more noisy neighbours. No more eccentric neighbours do things that don’t conform. No more not taking care of your gardens and bringing down the tone of the area.

If you think that saying Asbo’s will be used to get people to tidy up their gardens is just outrageous, then what about the poor sod in England who suffers from Tourette’s Syndrome and was told if he cursed again in public he would go to jail? Or the woman in Scotland who was banned from gardening in her bikini?

Obviously there are useful aspects to Asbo’s such as being able to get rid of gangs of drunken youths from spending their summers right beside your house and being a nuisance. But, that was all taken care of in the Children’s Act 2001. So you ask, what’s the problem with the Children’s Act?

Well it appears, that the Act is such a good piece of legislation that it requires extra resources such as the 2,000 extra gardai that were promised by the Government and, erm, money which seems to be scarce despite the extra E600 million in the exchequer. So the more expensive parts of the Act haven’t been enacted, especially the one dealing with anti-social behaviour.

Asbo’s are for the Dublin 6 and 4 brigade and it’ll mean that residents associations in those areas will have more power to control what they perceive as D4 and D6 behaviour than the local authority. More power to the voters, more votes for McDowell.

No tinkering can deliver Lions backlash

2005-06-28T18:13:00.000+01:00

There seems to be a lot of expectancy doing the rounds of a Lion’s backlash against the All Blacks next Saturday in Wellington. A lot of fighting talk from Irish fans consumed with rage over the taking out of Brian O’Driscoll. It’s all going to come to naught though, as the Kiwi’s will probably run rampant over the Lions in dry weather.

The problem for the Lions, is, Clive Woodward. The way he has set up and prepared the team to play is fundamentally wrong. And if the fundamentals are wrong against sides of the calibre of the All Blacks, then cricket scores can be expected.

Changing the personnel in the starting Test 15 for the second test isn’t really going to cut it. It needs to be done all the same, but, the combinations won’t work.

The Lions looked like, were and still are a side that haven’t played the right amount of rugby together in the key positions to turn this Test series around.

Putting the right team out, will surely see an improvement to the tourists game, but, they were so far behind the New Zealanders in terms of basic play last Saturday, that it would be nigh on impossible for them to get within 10 points of the ABs next Saturday. Remember, the ABs are traditionally slow starters when it comes to Test series and they will get better.

Spudnik’s 15: [Two of these I nicked from the Guardian along with the style, but as I couldn’t put it better myself, I’ll decided to go with them]

Full-back
First Test Jason Robinson
Second Test Gareth Thomas

Robinson is out of form. There is a case for picking Geordan Murphy here, but it’s easier to Captain a side from 15 than the wing.

Right wing
First Test Josh Lewsey
Second Test Josh Lewsey

Not a bad performance the first day out, but not his best either. Could be used as an interesting option at outside centre, though that would be too radical for Woodward and maybe too knee-jerk.

Outside centre
First Test Brian O'Driscoll
Second Test Gavin Henson

A risky option as I have Henson to partner Shane Horgan to give the right blend of braun and brain. Woodward won’t risk it and the Irishman could start on the wing with wilko at 12.

Inside centre
First Test Jonny Wilkinson
Second Test Shane Horgan

No complaints about Horgan on this tour. Has adapted to the style and pace without too much bother. Partnering him with Henson is problematic as it’s a new combination and neither is a born leader. Risky, but could be worth it.

Left wing
First Test Gareth Thomas
Second Test Geordan Murphy

Surprised he doesn’t seem to have been considered at all. A Genius with the ball at close quarters, the type of thing you need in New Zealand

Fly-half
First Test Stephen Jones
Second Test Stephen Jones

If Wilkinson's all-round game were in better shape he would undoubtedly be a fixture at No10. Instead Jones should remain at fly-half with Jonny on the bench.

Scrum-half
First Test Dwayne Peel
Second Test Dwayne Peel

Got bullied by Byron Kelleher when he came on and will face him again on Saturday now Kelleher’s been picked. Lacked command and didn’t communicate with hooker or jumpers at lineout time. Still better than Dawson who is unreliable.

Loosehead prop
First Test Gethin Jenkins
Second Test Andrew Sheridan

The Lions need more power in the forwards to tie up the Kiwi backrow.

Hooker
First Test Shane Byrne
Second Test Steve Thompson

Byrne missed two throws and the darts he hit on target had kiwi’s all over them. Not all his fault, but as Thompson will supply the same lineout success rate he’ll get the nod for his all round play.

Tighthead prop
First Test Julian White
Second Test Gethin Jenkins

Moving Jenkins across to the other side of the scrum is one hell of a tough ask but these are desperate times.

Lock
First Test Paul O'Connell
Second Test Paul O'Connell

The next Martin Johnson? He really needs to earn his stripes down under. Will never play the ABs for the Lions again. Needs to show more leadership. Well beaten last Saturday.

Lock
First Test Ben Kay
Second Test Donncha O'Callaghan

Offers much more aggression. Loves to contest the opposition lineout. Will be a major nuisance. Could be the making of him in the big time.

Blindside flanker
First Test Richard Hill
Second Test Simon Easterby

Offers a real good lineout option at the back which would nullify Williams and Jack jumping all over one and two in the lineout. Loves the destructive ground work at the breakdown, but, doesn’t carry well and Woodward will go with Corry here.

Openside flanker
First Test Neil Back
Second Test Neil Back

A lot of calls of Lewis Moody here, but, Back was playing with a pack going backwards last week and had a decent game. If Moody plays here you’d have to go with Easterby at 6 for the balance.

No 8
First Test Martin Corry
Second Test Ryan Jones

What can you say about the Welshman. The only Lion to take this tour by storm. Go on son!

A gamble on Wilkinson is too much of a risk

2005-06-21T15:15:00.000+01:00

So after months of bar room squabble and newspaper column inches, tomorrow will see the end to the great ‘who’ll make the test team’ Lions debate.

For the past six months, pundits and armchair fans alike have had Jonny Wilkinson - albeit with the rider if he was fully fit - playing at outhalf.

Now, with only four days to go to the first test in Christchurch, nearly all of those who previously backed the Englishman to start believe he is the wrong man for the job. Most believe that he is neither match fit or playing anywhere near his best form.

Too muddy the waters even further there is now talk of Wilkinson playing at inside centre with Wales’ Stephen Jones playing at 10. This was prompted by Clive Woodward’s bizarre decision to take Gavin Henson off against Wellington and replace him with Jones and move Wilko into the centre to partner Brian O’Driscoll.

To play an outhalf at inside centre against the All Blacks in their own back yard would be madness. To play an out-of-form ring-rusty one is surely even beyond Woodward’s eccentricities.

Common sense - and no small amount of hope - would suggest that Woodward is himself trying to muddy the waters. Including Wilko in the 22 would not be a bad move if the game was tied or going into the final quarter and you needed a pressure kicker to come on and close out the game. The problem is though, he’s not at his best.

If common sense were to prevail, then Jones would start at 10 and Shane Horgan would be drafted in at 12. Horgan’s inclusion here would at first seem a surprise choice, but, the Bettystown man has partnered O’Driscoll in the midfield for years and quite successfully at that.

If we’re to believe Woodward that those who played against Southland earlier today were to be excluded from selection for the test, then, that only leaves one other proven centre beside Horgan who could partner O’Driscoll, Will Greenwood. Surprise, surprise he’s also out of from also.

The so-called smart money says Woodward will stick with his tried and trusted and play either Wilkinson or Greenwood at centre. The smart money says he’ll ignore the pool of talent that’s open to him and the advice of the Eddie O’Sullivan and Ian McGeechan brain’s trust.

Surely even he can’t be that mad? Surely? Yikes!

Mad Clive’s possible test team: Josh Lewsey (England); Gareth Thomas (Wales), Brian O'Driscoll (Ireland, capt), Jonny Wilkinson (England), Jason Robinson (England); Stephen Jones (Wales), Dwayne Peel (Wales); Gethin Jenkins (Wales), Shane Byrne (Ireland), Julian White (England), Paul O'Connell (Ireland), Ben Kay (England), Richard Hill (England), Neil Back (England), Martin Corry (England). Replacements: Steve Thompson (England), Graham Rowntree (England), Danny Grewcock (England), Ryan Jones (Wales), Matt Dawson (England), Shane Horgan (Ireland), Will Greenwood (England) or Shane Williams (Wales).
Common sense Clive’s possible test team: Josh Lewsey (England); Gareth Thomas (Wales), Brian O'Driscoll (Ireland, capt), Shane Horgan (Ireland), Jason Robinson (England); Stephen Jones (Wales), Dwayne Peel (Wales); Andy Sheridan (England), Shane Byrne (Ireland), Julian White (England), Paul O'Connell (Ireland), Ben Kay (England), Richard Hill (England), Neil Back (England), Ryan Jones (Wales). Replacements: Steve Thompson (England), Gethin Jenkins (Wales), Danny Grewcock (England), Martin Corry (England), Chris Cusiter (Scotland), Jonny Wilkinson (England), Geordan Murphy (Ireland).

Microsoft helps China to censor bloggers

2005-06-15T12:05:00.000+01:00

FROM THE GUARDIAN: Civil liberties groups have condemned an arrangement between Microsoft and Chinese authorities to censor the internet. The American company is helping censors remove "freedom" and "democracy" from the net in China with a software package that prevents bloggers from using these and other politically sensitive words on their websites.

Flip flop McDowell fumbles cafe-bar ball on Prime Time

2005-06-14T17:35:00.000+01:00

Justice Minister Michael McDowell showed on RTE's Prime Time last night just how out of touch he is with reality - and probably how much political pressure he is under - when he refused to admit that he climbed down from his plan to introduce plans for cafe style bars.

He insisted his plans for liberalising alcohol regulations for restaurants instead of introducing cafe-bars had nothing to do with pressure from 40 Fianna Fail - the publicans party – backbenchers. He said the new plans – climb down – were more radical than his original proposals which were aimed at stopping the culture of binge drinking among Ireland's teens and 20-year-olds. Really Minister?

How many teenagers does he think are going to be jumping for joy at the thought of being able to buy a wider range of alcohol products from restaurants. The point he fails to grasp is that teenagers binge drink because they want to get drunk and his original plan for “continental style” cafe-bars was flawed because this would have only really appealed to older adults who wouldn't necessarily want to binge drink anyway.

He said his new plans could mean that a young couple could go to a pizza parlour and be able to have a beer, vodka, brandy or whatever they wanted to drink while there. However, he said that restaurants such as McDonalds would not be allowed to serve alcohol even though they do so on the continent. Wasn't this all supposed to be continental style? Can you smell a McDonalds law suit coming on about being discriminated against?

It's interesting to watch McDowell as he does what the Americans call flip-flopping. It's clear that FF are going to dump the PDs and the Minister is clinging on for political survival.

Memories are long in FF and many won't have forgiven him for climbing up a lamppost at the last general election and announcing that FF couldn't be trusted to be on their own in Government and the country needed him and the PDs to be the watchdog in coalition.

Under pressure from FF and last night from Labour's Brendan Howlin McDowell, somewhat uncharacteristically it must be said, has made a number of gaffs.

While trying to argue that many claims from asylum-seekers are bogus on last nights programme, the Minister haphazardly produced a document from the Department of Justice that showed that one asylum-seeker wanted asylum in Ireland because he was a king in his village in Africa and he didn't want his son to be king after him.

At a stroke, he ridiculed all the claims from people who fear genocide, rape, incarceration and other human rights abuses in their country of origin.

Between garda corruption and showing a lack of political guts to introduce a garda watchdog, flip-flopping over cafe-style bars, Asbo's and his record on asylum, the Minister faces a rocky road to get himself re-elected to the Dail.

McDowell accused of playing blame game over McBrearty affair

2005-06-08T16:20:00.000+01:00

Justice Minister Michael McDowell has been accused of trying to play the blame game by claiming that the McBrearty family should receive an apology not only from the current government but also from the Rainbow Coalition government of the mid-nineties.

McDowell today confirmed the McBrearty’s - whose members were found to have been framed for the murder of cattle dealer Richie Barron by certain gardai in Donegal - "were owed a solemn letter of apology by successive governments including the Rainbow Coalition in the mid-1990s."

In response, Frank Frank McBrearty Jr said: "Mr McDowell is playing the blame game now, blaming everybody except himself. He's trying to blame the Opposition," said Mr Mc Brearty.

Labour leader Pat Rabbitte, a member of the Rainbow Cabinet of the mid-nineties, said evidence to the Morris Tribunal showed that no minister or senior official was properly briefed on these issues until almost two years after the Rainbow had left office and Fianna Fail and the PDs were in government with Mr McDowell as Attorney General.

Mr McDowell has also been accused of trying to stop the setting up of the inquiry into the events in Donegal when he was the Attorney General.

Mr Rabbitte claimed that Opposition parties tried three times to have the tribunal's terms of reference extended in 2001 and 2002 but Government TDs defeated the proposals each time.

"If the minister is really serious about the dirt he is now seeking to throw at Opposition parties, he should welcome an impartial investigation. I therefore invite him, for a fourth time, to widen the tribunal's terms of reference so as to include an investigation of the role of the Department of Justice and of successive Ministers for Justice. "If he does not accept the invitation, then his present charges and threats levelled against the Opposition can be dismissed as worthless bully-boy posturing," said Mr Rabbitte.
Judge Frederick Morris said in last week's second interim report that the garda investigation of Mr Barron's death in 1996 was "prejudiced, tendentious and utterly negligent in the highest degree".

Superintendent Joseph Shelly and Detective Superintendent John McGinley, senior officers who were heavily criticised in the findings, will resign at the end of next month.
McBrearty commented: "That's not good enough. Those two gardai should be sacked. The person who is making them retire - [Garda Commissioner] Noel Conroy - should go along with them."

"I'm calling on the Government to set up an international taskforce to come in and investigate all these cases where false statements of confession were taken over the last 30 years."

Quotations for today

2005-05-24T16:32:00.000+01:00

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague. - Bill Cosby
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. - Franklin P. Jones
Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person. - Dr. David M. Burns

How can we treat obesity when we can’t talk about what’s staring us in the face?

2005-05-23T19:02:00.000+01:00

Last week we heard that the he cost of treating obesity and related illnesses is close to €500 million a year in the republic of Ireland. We heard that from the Taoiseach and not the Minister for Health. Is it too politically incorrect to ask why? Too un-pc to point out that the person who is in charge of the health services is grossly overweight?

Let’s get one thing straight. Mary Harney, whether you like her or loath her, is a top politician. She’s survived and triumphed in a man’s world and anyone who can drag an unpopular party like the PDs to Government the way she has, is no muppet. It seems all the media and opposition politicians love having a go at her. She’s still here, despite their best efforts.

Let’s get another thing straight. She’s fat. Oh boy is she fat. If she was a school girl during any given lunch hour, she’d be know as fatty Harney, fatso, pigsy, porky, fat Mary, pies Mary or a host of other names that reference her weight and size because she’s fat.

She’s not plump or cuddly (unless you’re into that kind of thing), voluptuous or curvey or slightly overweight. She’s fat and most likely obese given that the word means excessively fat and grossly overweight.

There’s nothing wrong with being fat - her own health problems are a matter for her - but when it comes to talking about the problem of 300,000 overweight children in this country, there is something wrong when the Health Minister can’t put her two cents worth in.

There is also something wrong when it was first mooted that Harney would take over the Health portfolio no one pointed out that here is a person who could have series issues in trying advise the nation on the dangers of obesity.

If we’re not allowed to talk about Harney’s weight as the person in charge of overseeing a reform in Irish attitudes to diet, does that mean we can’t talk about blind people because David Blunkett is in the room?

Cabinet meeting to discuss privatised terminal in Dublin a waste of time. Privatising it won’t work!

2005-05-10T16:53:00.000+01:00

If privatised terminals don’t work in Toronto, couldn’t work in Heathrow, then, why would anyone think they’d work in Dublin, asks Spudnik.

The Cabinet is meeting yet again to discuss a second terminal at Dublin Airport. The big question isn’t whether it’s needed or not - it is and we all knew that a decade ago - but whether to privatise it or not .

Ryanair’s Michael O’Leary wants it privatised - more money for him see. The minority partners in the coalition government, the Progressive Democrats (PDs), want it privatised. But then they want everything from trolley beds in hospitals to driving tests privatised and will sing that from the rooftops to anyone who’ll listen.

Their larger partner in government, Fianna Fail, the supposedly dominant partner, won’t say what it wants. It never does until the last minute. But despite the controversy the whole debate has caused, no one in government seems to have questioned whether privatising terminals in airports works.

They only had to look at Toronto’s Lester B Pearson Airport to find their answer. It doesn’t.

At Toronto the average per passenger airside charges at the privately-run terminal three are twice as high as those at the State-run terminals one and two.

Staff productivity was down by 34 per cent in 2004 compared with the 1998 figure. Also down was aircraft handling efficiency and passenger handling efficiency. Non-airline revenue is down by 36 per cent. For the same period, staff costs per passenger show an 88 per cent increase, and the operations and maintenance costs per passenger have soared upward by 140 per cent.

In the UK they looked at privatised terminals for Heathrow. The low cost airlines similar to O’Leary’s Ryanair said: "NO! Bad idea mate. Move on."

Well no they didn’t. They said this: "Competition between different terminals can only be truly effective when there is unused terminal capacity available, and when there is every likelihood that additional capacity can be made available when demand warrants."

None of the above applies at Dublin Airport.

Neither the Progressive (lets privatise everything we can) Democrats, nor Michael (Money, Money, Money) O’Leary have produced any evidence to show privatising the terminal at Dublin would be beneficial to consumers.

Privatising for privatising’s sake doesn’t work. Especially for the consumer.

McCartney civil action may still not bring Robert's killers to justice

2005-05-10T16:16:00.000+01:00

It is good news indeed that MEPs have overwhelmingly accepted a resolution expressing support for the family of Robert McCartney and condemning IRA violence and criminality.

This resolution means that it is now possible for the European Commission to offer financial aid to the McCartney family to pursue a civil action if the Police Service of Northern Ireland fails to bring charges in connection with Mr McCartney's killing.

The tenacity that Robert McCartney’s family have shown in seeking to bring his killers to justice has to be commended, but, will it be rewarded?

There are estimated to have been around 70 people in a Belfast bar on January 30th when Robert was brutally stabbed to death in a row with members of the IRA. There is at least one eye witness who has given a statement to the PSNI, and yet, no one has been charged with the crime.

Sinn Fein and the IRA have expelled those it believes are involved in the cover-up of the crime and police have taken statements from some of these people, and still no charges have been brought.

It is almost certainly easier to bring a civil action than a criminal one, but, what witnesses could McCartney’s family hope to call with so much intimidation of witnesses over the murder?

One would have to imagine that the family feel they could win a civil case following legal advice, but, how far have the families of the victims of the Omagh bombing got since they went down that route?

It should be beholden on the republican movement to ensure that Robert McCarteny’s killers are brought to proper justice and not the type of murder the Ira issues as justice. Is it likely? Unfortunately not.

Quotations for today

2005-04-26T12:23:00.000+01:00

In heaven all the interesting people are missing. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened. - Sir Winston Churchill

The future will be better tomorrow. - Dan Quayle

GRA to call for removal of McCabe killers' privileges

2005-04-26T12:21:00.000+01:00

ireland.com reports:The Garda Representative Association (GRA) will today call on Minister for Justice Michael McDowell to remove the special privileges enjoyed by the killers of Det Garda Jerry McCabe.

A GRA spokesman confirmed to ireland.com this morning that the president of the GRA, Dermot O'Donnell, will call for the withdrawal of the arrangements under which the killers are held.

Kevin Walsh, Pearse McAuley, Jeremiah Sheehy and Michael O'Neill were sentenced in 1999 for between 11 and 14 years for manslaughter and are serving their sentences in the open prison at Castlerea in Co Roscommon.

The men are accommodated in houses rather than cells and the GRA wants an end to this practice and for the men to serve the rest of their sentences in prison.

Delegates at the GRA annual conference in Tralee will also claim the penalty points system has made gardaí very unpopular, and there will be a debate on how the "negative impact" can be minimised.

Garda Commissioner Noel Conroy and Mr McDowell will address the conference today.

Delegates will call for the provision of mobile phones to all Garda cars, and for the force's telecommunications system to be modernised.

They also want gardaí to stop using their own computers and cameras at work, so these items would be supplied by the State.

The conference is also expected to hear today that bullying within the force is one of the greatest causes of stress among rank-and-file gardaí.

Other motions at the conference include a demand for a second Garda medical officer to deal with backlog of members who have been injured on duty and are waiting for up to two years.

Delegates will debate 42 motions in total at the two-day conference.

O'Sullivan's tight grip on Ireland forces Ford to look to Saracens

2005-04-22T17:56:00.000+01:00

Eddie O'Sullivan's uncompromising grip on coaching the national side may be the main reason why Ireland's defensive coach Mike Ford is looking to English side Saracens for a full time contract.

Yesterday, both the IRFU and Saracens remained tight lipped about Ford's move across the water. When contacted, a spokesman for Saracens told an Irish journalist: “Where did you here that? We haven't announced that.”

Ford simply went on the record as saying: “I'm still with Ireland at the moment. I'm discussing a few things with Eddie and looking forward to next year.

The former rugby league player has been a huge success with Ireland and is credited with bringing much needed to discipline to the side as well making them one of the meanest in terms of coughing up trys. He is now rated as one of the best in the business and you have to ask why he would want to take a step down to club rugby – he was already supplementing his income from the IRFU by working part time for Saracens.

Besides, if it was about money, then surely Saracens couldn't match what the IRFU could offer considering their biggest gate this season was just below 16,000. It's more likely he was unhappy in the Irish set up.

Spudnik understands that when the Englishman was brought into the coaching set up in January 2002, there were to be three stages to his work.

The first stage was to introduce his rugby league style defensive system to the players. Much to his credit, the players bought into his system despite, and much to Ford's surprise, never really spending much time in training on defence.

The second stage was to consolidate the system and the third was to meld the defensive and attacking systems.

It was this stage that O'Sullivan had a problem with and he felt Ford was crossing over onto his territory.

It's no secret that O'Sullivan likes to be in control – what head coach doesn't – and was unhappy that a high profile name like Declan Kidney was thrust upon him for so long as assistant and backs coach.

What isn't widely known is that Kidney was thrown into the coaching set up by the IRFU to keep a reign on O'Sullivan as he was considered to have too big and ego by some in the union.

After failing to achieve the Grand Slam and defend the Triple Crown O'Sullivan's conservative approach came in for much criticism. Following Kidney's departure O'Sullivan declined to fill the vacant position of backs coach. When Brian O'Brien steps down as manager, O'Sullivan intends to replace him with a PA type, thus leaving Ireland with no backs coach, no manager and now no defensive coach which is as close to the definition of crisis you can get.

To be fair to O'Sullivan the question has to be asked what business does Ford have wanting to get involved in the offence, when his brief was defence, but, the performance of the backs since the departure of Kidney was way below par. It was also Ford's defensive system that won the game against England and not O'Sullivan's offence.

Ireland can ill afford to lose someone of Ford's stature and with England and France away from home next year, O'Sullivan could find his preparations for the 2007 World Cup being hampered by questions and criticisms .over his ability.

Amnesty calls for boycott of Finucane inquiry

2005-04-20T12:53:00.000+01:00

PA report: Amnesty International has called on all judges in Britain to decline appointments to sit on any inquiry set up under the recently-enacted Inquiries Act - including a planned inquiry into allegations of security force collusion in the murder of Belfast solicitor Pat Finucane.

The campaigning organisation also called for the repeal of the act.

The Amnesty call came days after a similar request to judges from Mr Finucane's widow Geraldine who wrote individually to every senior judge in England, Scotland and Wales earlier this week.

Amnesty UK campaigns director Stephen Bowen said: "By holding an inquiry into the Finucane case under the Inquiries Act 2005, the UK Government is trying to eliminate independent scrutiny of its agents."

He claimed : "Any judge sitting on such an inquiry would be presiding over a sham."

Mr Finucane was murdered in front of his family in their North Belfast home in 1989 by members of the loyalist Ulster Defence Association.

In the years since there have been repeated claims of security force collusion with the killers and retired Canadian judge Peter Cory told the Government in a report published last year there was enough suspicion of collusion to merit a public inquiry.

The Finucane murder was one of a series Judge Cory examined, and recommended public inquiries be held because of collusion suspicions.

The first inquiry to be set up, that into the murder of Co Armagh solicitor Rosemary Nelson by loyalist bombers in 1999, held its opening session yesterday.

Amnesty complains the Inquiries Act means the Government would control any inquiry held under its terms and a final report would be published at the Government's discretion.

They say also that crucial evidence could be omitted from publication at the Government's instigation - using the excuse it was in the public interest.

Mr Bowen said the Act, rushed through Parliament on the last day before it was dissolved for the election, "undermines the rule of law, the separation of powers and human rights protection".

He added: "It cannot be the foundation for an effective, independent, impartial or thorough judicial inquiry into allegations of serious human rights violations."

Both Judge Cory and Lord Saville who conducted the Bloody Sunday Inquiry, came out against the terms of the Inquiry's Bill when it was before Parliament and said they would not sit on an inquiry set up under its terms.

Speculation mounts that Benedict XVI’s papacy to be one of the shortest

2005-04-20T12:42:00.000+01:00

Speculation among Vatican commentators has already started to mount that Cardinal Ratzinger was voted in to pave the way for a Pope to bring the Catholic church in a new direction. It has also been said that the 78-year-old may also consider - like his predecessor - retiring at 80.

JPII had discussed with Ratzinger, both in public and private, the option of retiring at 80. He decided that such a move would create a difficulty for a new Pope to leave his mark on the Church, since, as it would already have the almost irremovable imprints of JPII all over it.

Whatever about speculation, there is one thing for sure, Benedict XVI’s papacy will be an interesting one.

The arch-conservative was formally one of the arch-progressive’s in the Church. During the sixties he was one of the first priests to wear a suit. As a man of huge intellect he wrote several important papers during Vatican II.

His path to conservatism came about when he became disillusioned with the Church’s response to pressure groups and what he described as the "me-ism’s" or the "supermarket" nature of the direction of the Church where practitioners of the faith could choose what bit of Catholicism they liked and what bit they didn’t.

It would be hard to fault him on that point of view. The Church is, after all, supposed to be about the greater good and not solely on the individual. Although, Jesus Christ’s teachings state that the greater good starts with the individual.

It was always said Ratzinger would be a steady hand that would carry on the style of JPII if he was to be elected Pope

The moral questions about homosexuality, female priests and contraception are not likely to be dealt with by Benedict XVI, thus indicating that these battles will be left for another day.

Bells and white smoke at Vatican means new Pope elected

2005-04-19T17:06:00.000+01:00

White smoke is bellowing from the chimney of the Sistine chapel in the Vatican indictaing a new Pope has been elected. It means that the 256th Pope has accepted the post of leader of the Catholic world and has decided on a name. There was confusion for awhile as no bell ringing - also an indicator that a Pope has been elected - was heard. But a few minutes after the smoke was seen the bells started ringing around St Peter's Square to the cheering of thousands of gathered pilgrims.

Captain Spud falls in love

2005-04-19T12:43:00.000+01:00

The bog bubbled and spluttered. It stopped, started again and then burped before a terrifying dark figure arose from it’s bottomless gut. Captain Spud was back.

He had hidden in the bog for over a week. Being a super-hero wasn’t that easy, especially in Mayo. There weren’t too many villains too apprehend, just the odd missing sheep to rescue from a dangerous precipice, so Peadar had decided to get away from it all by hiding in the bog.

He had read that when the Vampire Lestat had become disillusioned with the world he had hidden himself in the ground, so Peadar decided to do the same, except in a bog.

It had been well worth the discomfort of being soaking wet. Well worth the countless bog insects that had managed to nest in some very awkward places indeed. Now he knew what it was he had been looking for. A cause. A worthy opponent for his super human powers, but where would he find such a rival?

Luckily his creator, the entity that he called God, others called Buddha, some revered as Allah, but, who was in reality none other than Gumbo Varterek of Kreelgor, was still rather embarrassed at his rather silly faux pas in creating our hero. He now had to put up with all sorts of jibes from the denizens of Kreelgor and it’s neighbouring world of Abaljudgutnock, to add to the constant abuse he had been receiving from humanity since he first accidentally created mankind.

He had actually been trying to create a race in his own image who would worship him. It had been an obsession since his wife, who had always made a fool of him, ran off with a trapeze artist from a travelling circus that wasn’t even in town.

It was probably just as well for the human race that he didn’t succeed, with it being a well known fact that the Kreelgorians are without doubt the most hideous and vile species in the known universe. Indeed a hypothetical algorithm has proven that they are the most hideous and vile race in the unknown universe as well. Mankind has a lot to thank the malfunctioning Qauntum Atom Flexor for.

So Gumbo decided that he would show them all. He would finally prove himself someone worthy of worship. He would create a being of true purity, with crystal clarity of mind, a being who always knew right from wrong, someone who could teach a race the secrets of the universe, a visionary for the future. He picked a woman.

It wasn’t really his fault. He hadn’t really paid that much attention to the Earth after the first Millennia of abuse. He had stumbled across some web site during his research which just happened to be a long list of complaints by a woman against her husband, whom she had now left to go and join a commune in North Dakota. He reckoned that the list made a lot of sense and decided that she would be an ideal candidate for his perfect being. But since she had been killed mysteriously in an oven accident, she wasn’t really an option anymore.

He did a random search through his database of humanity, closed his eyes and stuck a pin out at his VDU.

Captain Spud had decided to come up to Dublin. This is where all the badness and nastiness happened. It was to him the centre of all things un-Irish. Like most people from rural areas he didn’t really know much about his capital. So on arrival he went into the nearest shop to buy a guide. He found the places to go section and immediately one place stood out from all the others. The Horse Shoe Bar.

In his haste to get on with the business of cleansing the streets of Dublin from all things un-Irish, he neglected to actually read the listing for the Horse Shoe Bar. If he had done so he would have realised that it was not a drinking hole for horse dealers and by association cattle dealers. It was in fact a drinking den for corrupt and not so corrupt politicians, boozed out hacks and happy go lucky Dublin 4 girls waving around daddy’s credit card and smiling at any man who looked like he had a bigger credit card then daddy. Not quite the same thing really is it?

He arrived just in time to witness the event which was going to have a profound effect on his and everyone else’s life.

A young lady in her twenties, wearing a nice combo of Gucci, Versace and Prada, lay writhing in fits on the floor. There was a crowd gathered around her, but Peadar noticed that no one was helping. He rushed to her aid only to reach her just as she turned to face him and vomit three hours of white wine spritzer and snacks all over him.

Stinking, he tried to calm the young lady, but her fits and vomiting were getting too intense, even for a man with super powers.

Then without warning it all ended. She looked at him. He looked at her. Gumbo, their creator watched them both from his VDU. The patrons in the bar were all to busy to look or care. They were now suffering from that strange affliction that begets most people when they see someone puke. They start to vomit, which nastily turns into a vicious circle of vomiting, from which no one can escape

Peadar felt something between them, something that he had never felt before. A kindrid spirit. She was like him. She had powers like him. He was no longer alone, or was he.

Next week: who is this new super-human.

Black smoke again over the Vatican as Cardinals again fail to elect pope

2005-04-19T11:34:00.000+01:00

Black smoke over the Sistine Chapel this morning indicated the failure, for the second time in two days, of Cardinals to elect a new head of the Catholic Church. The appearance of black smoke over the Vatican marked the end of the first of two sessions today in which the cardinals will attempt to choose their new leader. The black smoke, seen by thousands in St. Peter's Square, marked an inconclusive vote by cardinals meeting to choose the church's 265th pontiff.

Irish house prices up by lowest rate in 9 years

2005-04-19T11:32:00.000+01:00

House prices rose by just 1 per cent in first three months of 2005 in what was the lowest rise in nine years, according to the latest Permanent tsb/ESRI House price index.

The index showed the value of house prices nationally rose by 0.4 per cent in March compared with 0.8 per cent recorded in March 2004 but ahead of the 0.3 per cent recorded in February.

The index also reveals that over the 12 months up to the end of March 2005 the growth in national prices was 7.5 per cent.

This continues the downward trend in annual growth rates - falling from 9.8 per cent in November to 8.5 per cent in January and to 7.9 per cent in February.

The price of a house in the Republic in March of this year was on average €256,690 up just under €18,000 on €238,813 for March 2004.

House prices in Dublin increased by 0.7 per cent in March and cost on average €339,946 compared €314,138 in March 2004.

House prices outside Dublin rose by 0.4 in March and cost on average €222,077 compared to €208,575

House prices for first-time buyers grew by 0.3 per cent; prices for second-time buyers rose by 0.5 per cent in March 2005. In March 2004 the respective increases were 0.0 per cent and 1.0 per cent.

Permanent tsb bank's Niall O'Grady said: "While there are some significant variations within the different sectors of the housing market, the overall picture this year is one of consistently modest price rises resulting in the lowest level of national price growth in a quarter in nine years of researching these figures."

Mr O'Grady said: "Looking forward these figures suggest that a national house price growth rate of 5 per cent remains a very achievable outcome for the year as a whole."

Anti-racism group denies Nigerians have called off hunger strike

2005-04-19T11:26:00.000+01:00

An anti-racism group, representing a group of Nigerian asylum-seekers protesting at their signing on conditions, today refuted claims that the Nigerians had called off their hunger strike.

Yesterday, a spokesperson for the Department of Justice told The Irish Times that all 70 of the hunger strikers ate a meal yesterday.

That claim was described as "absolutely untrue" by Spokesperson for Residents against Racism Rosanna Flynn.

She told Spudnik that some of the asylum-seekers had to stop the hunger strike because of severe medical conditions while those who were pregnant or breastfeeding also ceased their strike following advice. Ms Flynn said 48 Nigerians staying in Lower Gardiner Street were continuing to refuse food, but, not liquids. She said some of them had begun to appear "quite gaunt" after being on hunger strike since Wednesday.

The Nigerians say that they are being held under virtual house arrest by having to sign in at their hostel in Lower Gardiner Street Dublin every morning and evening. They say as some of their children live outside the capital, the process of signing on twice a day makes it impossible for them to see their children.

The group have applied for residency in Ireland on the basis of having Irish-born children. They arrived in the country earlier this year to be reunited with their families, after Minister for Justice Michael McDowell opened applications for residency from parents of Irish-born citizens. However, the signing on procedure at their hostel has made it difficult for them to visit their children.

They also fear that they are being prepared for deportation and plan to protest outside the Dáil at lunchtime today.

A spokesman for the Department of Justice said the signing in procedure is being reduced to once a day, in the evening.

Quotations for today

2005-04-18T16:31:00.000+01:00

I am not young enough to know everything. - Oscar Wilde

Bush is the mistress of Beelzebub and the White House is a hornets nest of satanic wizardry - Saddam Hussein

For four-fifths of our history, our planet was populated by pond scum. - J. W. Schopf

It's about time we got a break from the April showers

2005-04-18T16:01:00.000+01:00

Rougher than a Glasgow wedding could be one way to describe the unpredictable but nearly always unpleasant weather that is being bestowed on Dublin by that most powerful of weather Gods, Thor. In fact the unpleasantness of the weather is the only guarantee of what might be in store from the heavens.

Not knowing what may or may not fall on your head causes the denizens of Dublin great irritation. For instance while it may be raining when one looks out the window, the temperature may in fact be balmy, even in the middle of winter.

So if one was to where one's new super-duper, filled with duck down, and ever so water repellent jacket out during such a day then one could find one self being rained on from above while simultaneously sweating profusely under the said super weather proof but in the end still no dryer for the effort, jacket.

This is the most dastardly type of weather as it makes its victims practically wet themselves and so saving it the bother of doing what it is supposed to do in the first place.

Another one of Thor's tricks at winding up the Dubs is to provide them with spitting rain. Now, where else in the world does a nations weather actually spit on them?

Dubliners on seeing this outside their bedroom windows in the morning, think to themselves, "hah only a bit of spitting rain. I can beat this. Sure didn't I get lashed out of it the other day during the back end of Hurricane Concepta. Today will be a stroll in the park."

Big, big mistake. Thor, in his most evil wickedness, waits to see how many Dubs actually are prepared for just the spitting rain.

If too many are prepared for it then the said rain becomes a lot heavier, drowning cats, dogs, people and rats alike.

But, if everyone decides to make sure they are prepared for the big downpour, then by mid afternoon the sun comes out and hey presto, every one has wet themselves again. Brilliant really, isn't it?

The only suggestion that WH can make in regard to protecting yourselves from the great God Thor, is try sacrificing a few virgins and the like. It might not work but could, just maybe, provide hours and hours of endless family fun.

Price of Croker may be too high for soccer and rugby

2005-04-18T12:43:00.000+01:00

Despite all the prophets of doom getting their tuppence worth in the various media over the past few weeks, when the cordite finally cleared from Croke Park and the amendment to rule 42 had been passed, no one had actually died. No one got so much as a scratch and the GAA organisation didn’t come tumbling down.

The No campaign diehards will go back to their dark, dank corners in the club houses and mutter and whisper curses on the FAI and IRFU, but, no one will be listening. Their day in the sunshine may have passed decades ago, but it is they, and not the progressives in the GAA that could still have the last laugh.

There’s now widespread speculation that the GAA - especially the defeated diehards - will be looking for top dollar for the use of Croke Park. One estimate puts the price of hiring the Jones’ Road stadium at €2 million. At an average price of €40 per ticket and a crowd of 70,000 that work’s out at receipts of €2.8m.

While €800,000 is nothing to be sneezed at, that figure would be well whittled down by the time overheads and salaries are taken into account.

Also, that €800,000 only applies when Croker is full. The GAA manage to fill Croke Park six or seven times a year. The IRFU and the FAI might just manage that between them in a season.

All in all, it doesn’t leave the rugby and soccer people with much room to maneuver.

It may well pan out that the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff will offer the best value for money for both organisations. Having said that, from a rugby perspective at least, the Cardiff pitch is not the best sod in these islands and it’s capacity to have back-to-back games played on it during the Six Nations would be in serious doubt.

One option the IRFU are considering, , based on a mutually beneficial share of the gate receipts, is to simply to waive "home" advantage during those two or three years Lansdowne Road is being redeveloped.

Currently, the IRFU charge the FAI a percentage based fee of between 10-15 per cent of gate receipts for the use of Lansdowne. One would hope the GAA could be persuaded to offer a price that is similarly reasonable to both organisations.

There’s still a lot of twoing and froing to be done before the whole sorry mess can be sorted out and while many blame the mess on the FAI and IRFU, it’s not really they’re fault.

Bertie Ahern’s behind the scenes meddling with the National Stadium white elephant has led to all of this. Maybe he could bring his ‘legendary negotiating skills’ to bear to sort out this debacle of his own making.

Irish ruby team to have God Save The Queen as anthem in Ravenhill if no change to Rule 42

2005-04-13T01:52:00.000+01:00

There has been much debate going back and forth over the airwaves and in the column inches as the GAA prepare to debate whether to allow soccer and rugby to played on the hallowed turf of Croke Park. One thing that hasn't been mentioned is that if Rule 42 continues in it's present form, the appalling vista of watching the Irish rugby team lining out for the national anthem and hearing God Save The Queen instead comes ever closer.

Because the IRFU has been cross-border body since before partition, it has respect for both communities in Ireland. By both communities I mean the two that divide the North .

Obviously rugby union in Ireland in the early days would have been played mostly by protestants and the middle class (no change there so – Ed). Indeed, Ireland's home games used to be played in Ravenhill before the stadium at Lansdowne Road was built.

Then there came a period when Irish home games used to be played in both Dublin and Belfast. What the IRFU decided to do – following partition and the obvious sensitivities that needed to be observed - was if a home game was played in Dublin, then Amhán Na bhFiann was to be played. If the game was in Belfast, then the German hymn was to be the anthem.

This decision has led almost directly to the God awful, please put Phil Coulter out of his sorry misery, Ireland's Call.

You see, when Ireland had to play an away game, no anthem could be played, so to give the lads something to get emotional about the IRFU decided to commission Phil Coulter to come up with a few bars.

So what has Coulter and the Irish rugby team got to do with the GAA and Rule 42.

Well, if the amendment to the rule isn't passed by congress next weekend, then it's almost a certainty that the IRFU will play it's home games abroad, most likely in Cardiff.

But what happens when the likes of Romania, Canada, USA and even Italy come over to play? Those matches are hardly likely to played in the Millennium Stadium are they? If the GAA won't open up Croke Park for a GAA match that couldn't pull a crowd of over 33,000 because of economics, then what chance are the IRFU going to rent a stadium in another country for a match with a crowd draw of less than that?

The IRFU is obliged by the IRB to play these games and so the only options open to them would be to play the games in either the 12,000 capacity Thomond Park or, the 20,000 capacity - with added temporary seating - Ravenhill.

The advent if the professional game has meant the IRFU have started to become strapped for cash and that could well mean that they would opt for the extra 8,000 paying customers at Ravenhill, thus enforcing Ireland to stand for God Save The Queen as the national anthem.

It must be said at this point that several unionists and Orangemen have stood for Amhán Na bhFiann at Lansdowne Road on many occasion without too much complaint, but, it's hardly going to be reciprocated by the people in the South now is it?

Murder round the corner

2005-04-13T00:29:00.000+01:00

For most people, murders are something they see on Tv or in newspapers, yesterday, a 28-year-old man was shot down not more than a hundred yards from my house as he left home for work.

Despite covering the story for ireland.com, seeing the distress at close hand of his family and friends, it still seems like an incident that only happens in the media.

While Ongar is in the Dublin 15 area close to where a fair few shootings take place in Blanchardstown, it is not an area where you'd expect a gangland style shooting to take place.

It's a new development occupied mostly by first-time buyers like my wife and I and young families. There were no gangsters till yesterday.

Gardai said the victim, as far as they were concerned, had no connections to anything criminal, but yet, he was shot by someone who appeared to know exactly what they were doing.

The gunman dressed like one of the many builders in the area so as not to seem conspicuous and after he fired to bullets into the victim he casually walked off. No panicked run, no high-speed car or motorbike, just a casual stroll away from the scene.

Anyway, here's the news story:

Gardai in Lucan are investigating the murder of 28-year-old man who was shot dead outside his home in west Dublin earlier this morning.

The man was shot twice in the upper body by a waiting gunman as he was entering his van outside his apartment block in Hayworth Court, Ongar Park, near Clonee.

It is believed he stumbled from his van to a grass verge where he died.The man, originally from the north inner city, lived on his own in the aprtment block where he had been resident for about a year. He was not known to gardai.

The gunman was wearing an illumonous vest and woolly hat and gardai believe that he may have been trying to disguise himself as one of the many builders working in the still being developed Ongar area.

The scene has been preserved by the garda techincal bureau and the State Pathologist, Dr Marie Cassidy is expected to examine the body later this afternoon.

Gardai have appealed to anyone in the area with information to contact them.

Is there ever a good reason for terrorism?

2005-04-11T16:14:00.000+01:00

If the United States is really intent on protecting its borders from terrorist attacks, it should amend the Patriot Act to stop drivel like this: Mad former Star Trek stunt co-ordinator

Quotes for today

2005-04-11T16:04:00.000+01:00

Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them. - George Bernard Shaw
I think that like cockroaches, the sound of James Last will survive a nuclear war - BBC Radio DJ Bob Harris
I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. - Carl Sandburg

Three cheers for the dark side

2005-04-11T15:22:00.000+01:00

Spudnik has always wondered what would have happened if young Luke Skywalker had gone over to the Dark Side of the Force. Until he came along, the Dark Side seemed to be doing quite well thank you very much.

His lordship, that cheeky little scamp Darth Vader, may well have been right, when saying that father and son could have taken over the galaxy. Sure they wouldn't have even needed that old decrepit evil emperor to spoil all their joyful romping around from quadrant to quadrant.

But what if the Dark Side was an option we all could take? Would you move over to the Dark Side? Spudnik certainly would.

Imagine that you are on crowded bus mid-winter. The lashing rain outside is being propelled against the side of the vehicle to make it seem like it's hurricane Freddie Kruger outside.

Inside it's worse. Everyone has sniffles, coughs or some sort of winter-related ailment which can spread more easily than margarine. A young child already whimpering about going to McDonalds bursts out into a gnarled cry of rage at not being granted his request. The old age pensioners are all jostling for position right beside the driver causing a severe obstruction to passengers alighting and leaving the bus.

Now if one were to be an exponent of the Dark Side, then one could immediately do something about one's discomfort. When Lord Vader was annoyed by one of his minions he merely stretched out his hand into the air and his victim started to suffocate.

Now, one hand out in the air might not work for everyone on the bus but if one were to stretch out one's arms, then one might be able to achieve the objective. Kind of like a group hug but just a tad more nasty.

Of course old Obi Wan wouldn't be too impressed. All that wasted training just so one's discomfort on a bus could be alleviated.

Spudnik says Obi Wan can just go and feck off. Spudnik wants to have fun and quite frankly a life filled with the debauchery of the Dark Side looks a lot more appealing than the goody-goody life on the good, but not a very exciting, side.

So the next time you are on the bus, or any other situation where you are suffering massive discomfort as a result of your "fellow" man, woman, or child, just reach out, feel the Dark Side surge through your veins, embrace its pure evilness and put an end to your suffering.

Get with the programme girls. Be A rugby wife, not a rugby widow

2005-04-11T14:06:00.000+01:00

With Munster and Leinster both out of the European Cup and the Six Nations 05 a distant memory I was only too delighted to read about the forthcoming Lions Tour. Yeah, more rugby!, writes Spudnik’s wife Bundle who’s relishing the prospect of early morning pints during the Lions tour to New Zealand

You many wonder "why the excitement from a rugby widow?". Well, I am not a rugby widow - I am a rugby wife - and never the twain shall meet. A rugby widow spends her time feeling sad at the loss of her husband during the games whereas a rugby wife quite happily gets tucked into the supporting spirit with a large vodka and tonic firmly in her grasp. Oh how I love it! The excitement, anxiety, sleepless nights and ultimately terrible disappointment - but sure its all part of the fun.

My love for the sport has grown slowly over the past 9 years. Being a northsider (and not a southside enclave northsider) I was only introduced to the game when I met my husband. Its been a slow process learning the nuances of the game - I once asked him "why is that a line-out and not a try?". Oh dear... At least now I can name the players and even have my favourite player. Geordan (the ballerina) Murphy.

I gave him that name after the French game in the 2003 Six Nations when he jumped up to catch the ball in a style that reminded me somewhat of a ballerina doing a jumping up in the air twirly thing.

So I am impressed we got 11 onto the Lions squad which is to be captained by our own Brian (southside enclave northsider). I am particularly impressed considering the performance of the Irish team in the six nations. I am not impressed however with the size of the English contingent of 20 players!

What's the crack with that? They did come paddy-last in the six nations! Well I mean paddy-last against the "top teams". (sorry Scotland and Italy - but we knew you would be fighting over the wooden spoon).

It just doesn't seem fair - they are always the big kid in the playground with the fancy toys and stuff. We are always the little ones who have to eat the free sambows and warm milk!

But enough of my whinging or else I will sound like a brit! Heres to great crack in the summer - very early morning pints and lots of moaning by the brits when things don't go too well - and maybe, just maybe, the smell of victory!!!

Full Text of Gerry Adams satement to the Ira

2005-04-07T13:05:00.000+01:00

It’s seven years since the signing of the Good Friday Agreement, but, it’s just dawned on Sinn Fein President Gerry Adams that the IRA should "embrace the peace process".

Adams calls for IRA to embrace peace process. Erm, shouldn’t they have been doing that all along?

2005-04-06T16:40:00.000+01:00

It’s seven years since the signing of the Good Friday Agreement, but, it’s just dawned on Sinn Fein President Gerry Adams that the IRA should "embrace the peace process".

Today he appealed to the leadership of the IRA to follow Sinn Fein down the political route. "I want to use this occasion, therefore, to appeal to the leadership of Óglaigh na hÉireann to fully embrace and accept this alternative."

Mr Adams said he knew "full well that such truly historic decisions can only be taken in the aftermath of intense internal consultation."

It is understood the IRA Army Council is studying Mr Adams' appeal.

So what’s been going on in the IRA for the past seven years? Is Adams admitting that the IRA weren’t "at peace"? Or, is it more likely he is electioneering for the forthcoming British General Election in May.

Considering the massive fall in popularity that SF has suffered in recent months over the Northern Bank robbery and, in particular the killing of Robert McCartney and the subsequent code of Omerta that witnesses to his murder inadvertently found themselves in, would it be any surprise at all if the IRA were to make some headline grabbing decommissioning move prior to the election.

It may be a cynical move, but, having gone head-to-head with Blair and Ahern over most of the past 10 years, you could argue that Adams and Martin McGuinness learned political cynicism from the best in the business.

Ireland's first contact with outer space, be Gorrah

2005-04-06T13:52:00.000+01:00

Imagine this. It’s 4,000BC and it’s the middle of Leitrim in the grips of a fiercely cold winter. You’re out in your animal skins looking for grubs, berries, or just anything to feed your starving family. There’s a blizzard of icy cold rain (which only occurs in Leitrim folks) blowing into places that would make a saint join a satanic occult.

Then all of a sudden, the whole place is lit up with a white, brilliant light. A giant space craft comes out of the sky, but as you’ve never seen or heard of Star Trek you reckon it to be a giant shining cart. "Christ", you’d say to yourself in about 4,000 years, but seeing as he hasn’t yet been born, you make do with "Quarkforn" (Don’t ask. The ways of the ancients are best left to them).

The giant cart lands just metres, or in BC parlance, a stone’s throw away from where you’ve just been digging for grubs. A long gangplank - or bridge to you - descends from its underbelly.

You’re amazed at this sight, not because it’s so futuristic. No, you’re amazed because the gangplank is so straight and a straight edge in Leitrim circa 4,000BC is about as common place as an algorithm.

You’re so dumb struck by the sight of something straight that you almost miss the five small green creatures that descend down the straight bridge and walk right up to you and say: "Blip globben sakandra do neiteve".

Almost speechless, but not quite, you manage to mutter: "Fecking Kalder H. Quarkforn".

The aliens realise you’re ineptitude at inter species conversation and having the presence of mind to bring along a universal translator they duly begin to make themselves heard to you, but, despite their technology being so advanced, they still manage to muck up the translation into ancient Irish.

"Top of the mornin’ to ya," they say while you’re flabber is gasted. "Be gorrah there’ll be some fine cuttin’ done on the day that’s in it to be sure," they continue in unison because that’s the way aliens talk. All at once and all together.

"What nonsense is this that you utter onto me," you reply slightly annoyed at their poor use of Irish.

"Ah sure it’s a grand job we ran into ye boy as we’re looking to knock the heads off a ye Venusians, so we are, to be sure as sure can be," they say rolling up their sleeves in preparation for some fisticuffs.

"Venusians," you reply incredulously. "I’ll have you know we’re Terrans young man. Yes, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong neck of the woods if its Venusians you’re after. You want to go one more planet closer to the sun and that should see you right."

"Sorry to have been troubling you sir, sure will be on our way and thanking you with 100,000 thankyou’s to be sure," they say as they leave.

And so Earth’s first contact with aliens ended up with the aliens leaving and taking with them their straight lines and symmetrical cart while leaving the poor folk of Ireland with a very silly way of talking.

Seamus Shenanigans: An Irishman's politician

2005-04-06T12:17:00.000+01:00

The Minister for All Sorts Seamus Shenanigans, admitted that he never paid a ‘red cent’ for any of his garden furniture which adorns his house in Knobber, Co Meath, the tribunal for codology heard today.

His garden contains over 3,000 items of garden furniture, of which, 1,750 are garden gnomes. The tribunal is trying to ascertain whether the Minister received the furniture donations in lieu of ‘political favours’ or were they, as the Minster maintains, legitimate political donations.

Counsel for the tribunal, Mr Han di Monay SC, put it to Mr Shenanigans that it could hardly be a coincidence that an associate of the Ministers in the gnome trade, Mr Con Marchant, gave the Minster 957 gnomes the day after he received a fishing license, while Mr Shenanigans was Minister for the Marine at the time.

Mr Shenanigans replied: "That was all it was. A simple coincidence. Nothing more, nothing less. Con knows I’ve a penchant for garden furniture, especially gnomes. I’ve won the Knobber garden furniture of the year award 10 years running now. That means a lot to me."

"I’m grateful to all my supporters who donated gnomes and other garden paraphernalia over the years. They were all just political donations and nothing more," he added.

Mr di Monay SC asked the Minister why, if all the gnomes were political donations, did he not declare a giant gnome measuring 25 metres in height. The Minister said he could not be expected to keep account of all the gnomes and furniture in his garden although, he did admit that each gnome had a name.

Doll mistaken for alien

2005-04-06T11:39:00.000+01:00

Quikie from Annanova.co.uk A burnt rubber doll was mistaken for a badly injured alien and taken to a hospital in Brazil.

It happened after people in Aracruz found a burnt 'body' on the ground after seeing a fireball fall from the sky.

A police spokesman told Terra Noticias Populares: "Many people were terrified thinking that an alien invasion was taking place.

"They thought the doll was a burnt ET and more than 50 people called the station."

The 'alien' was taken to the local hospital where doctors soon confirmed it was a burnt rubber doll.

A hospital spokesman said: "It was obviously a practical joke but we wonder who would do that in such a small and quiet town."

Man arrested in connection with McCartney murder

2005-04-04T19:33:00.000+01:00

Finally, the PSNI have today arrested a 31-year-old man in connection with the murder of Robert McCartney. It’s understood that the man, accompanied by his solicitor, went voluntarily to a police station at lunchtime.

Hopefully, the arrest can be the beginning of the end for the sisters and family of 33-year-old father of two Robert McCartney since his murder outside a Belfast bar nine weeks ago.

Since his murder, McCartney’s family have had to endure living in a tight-knit community knowing the identity of Robert’s murderer and knowing that members of their community had been intimidated by members of Sinn Fein and the IRA into not giving evidence or statements to the police.

Before the Good Friday agreement, Sinn Fein and the IRA considered any unlawful acts committed by their members beyond reproach. They were in a ‘war’ after all.

Not anymore they’re not and the killing of Robert McCartney was a savage indicator of the brutality of the ‘we’re untouchable’ attitude of many republicans involved with the ‘cause’.

The day after McCartney was stabbed outside Magennis's Whiskey Café following a row where a woman had taken offence to something when none was intended, the PSNI was making inquiries in the Short Strand area and came under an orchestrated attack from stone-throwers. Sinn Fein’s Alex Maskey accused the PSNI of using "old-style heavy handed RUC tactics".

The public disturbances and Maskey’s declaration were clearly designed to the protect the identity’s of McCartney’s murderers. Why? Because they’re ‘soldiers for the cause’?

What has a row in a pub that leads to a man - one of their own - being stabbed, covering up any evidence by removing it physically from the scene and intimidating witnesses, got to do with 800 years of oppression?

Gerry Adams was right to try and make Sinn Fein give support to McCartney’s sisters, but, the loudest cheers at the Ard Fheis during Adam’s speech were not for the McCartney sisters. No, they were left for the various defiant moments in Adam’s speech where he rounded on SF’s detractors. Namely, Michael McDowell.

While jeering McDowell is a wholly worthwhile activity, it compares more than a little unfavourably with the lack of genuine applause and support given to the McCartney sisters at the Ard Fheis. The SF faithful were more than a little bit uncomfortable with their presence at the RDS. And there-in lies the rub of it all.

The SF policy of "an Ireland based on equality, justice, rights and empowerment", should really read "an Ireland based on equality, justice, rights and empowerment for those who were directly involved in the republican struggle. All other republicans can forget about it as they didn’t work for it. In fact of you give us any jip we’ll murder you and cover it up."

In the mid to late 90’s, Sinn Fein councillors were heavily involved in organising communities in inner city Dublin, to fight back against the drug dealers in their areas.

Locals mounted neighbour watch programmes in flat complexes where those coming into the complexes looking to purchase drugs were, erm, ‘turned away’.

As a young reporter, I went on a protest march in the Sherrif Street area of the north inner-city. It involved a group of 300-400 protesters marching up to various homes of alleged drug dealers and shouting slogans like: "What do we want?/ Pushers out/ When do we want it?/ Now".

Most of the dealers were either not at home or had closed the curtains in a vain attempt to hide. Those that did come out to address the mob, were clearly frightened. All bar one.

He came out of his townhouse, with his presumed partner, and his young kids to face the chanting mob. Neither he nor his family showed one ounce of fear. Indeed, the man made several gestures of slitting throats as he looked around the mob, many of whom, presumably were his customers.

At the time, I took his behaviour to be that of a man who was protected, no matter what the mob did. Who was protecting him? The only organised group in the area who could do that were the local Sinn Fein members working on the ground.

Then, as well as now, Sinn Fein demand to do their own policing. People will turn a blind eye if there’s illegal policing of drug dealers, but, not a murder of an innocent man out for a couple of pints.

Makes you wonder are Fianna Fail really that bad.

Today's quotations

2005-04-01T15:33:00.000+01:00

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her - Oscar Wilde

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. - Albert Einstein

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Chruchill

Wikipedia on the origins of April Fool's Day

2005-04-01T15:18:00.000+01:00

The origins of April Fool's Day are unknown, although various theories have been proposed. It is considered to be related to the festival of the vernal equinox, which occurs on March 21. Prior to the adoption of the Gregorian calendar in 1582, it was observed as New Year's Day by cultures as far apart as ancient Rome and India. New Year was originally celebrated from March 25 to April 1, before the Gregorian reforms moved it back to January 1.

The English first celebrated the day on a widespread basis only as late as the 18th century, though it appears to have reached England probably from Germany in the mid-17th century. Its first known description in English originates with John Aubrey, who noted in 1686: "Fooles holy day. We observe it on the first of April. And so it is kept in Germany everywhere."

Some Dutch people mistaking think it may have originated due to the liberation of Den Briel during the Spanish occupation of The Netherlands in 1572, when the geuzen fooled the Spanish lord Alva and were thus able to liberate Den Briel, and the latter supposedly lost his glasses (Dutch: bril).

The custom of playing practical jokes on April Fool's Day is also very widespread and of uncertain origins. The victim of a joke is known in English as an April Fool; in Scots as a gowk (cuckoo or fool); and in French as a poisson d'avril (April fish). It has been suggested the custom may have had something to do with the move of the New Year's date, when people who forgot or didn't accept the new date system were given invitations to nonexistent parties, funny gifts, etc. Originally, April Fool's Day jokes concentrated on individuals (sending someone on an absurd errand such as seeking pigeon's milk) but in the 20th century it became common for the media to perpetrate hoaxes on the general population.

Present Day
The Internet make it difficult to know if it is before or after noon when a hoax is perpetrated. Time zones are different in different parts of the world. It is not even April 1st simultaneously throughout the world. Non-westerners unfamiliar with the April Fool's Day custom may be vulnerable to Internet hoaxes.

In the Spanish-speaking world, similar pranks are practiced on December 28, the Day of the Holy Innocents.

Superstitions
Traditionally, pranks are supposed to end by noon. Those done afterwards are supposed to bring bad luck to the perpetrator. However, this is not universally adhered to, and many of the hoaxes listed below appeared after noon. Anyone who fails to respond to the tricks played on them in the proper spirit of tolerance and amusement will also suffer bad luck. It is also said that being fooled by a pretty girl will be compensated by marriage to, or at least friendship with, her.

Another myth or superstition is that marriage on April Fools' Day is not a good idea for a man, for he will be permanently ruled by his wife. Also, it is believed that children born on this day will experience good luck in most matters, but will only meet with disaster when it comes to gambling.

Hoaxes
Many media organizations have either unwittingly or deliberately propagated hoaxes on April Fools' Day. Even normally serious news media consider April Fools' Day hoaxes fair game, and spotting them has become an annual pastime. The advent of the Internet as a worldwide communications medium has also assisted the pranksters in their work.

Well-known April Fool's Day hoaxes
Kremvax: one of the early Internet April Fool's day hoaxes.

San Serriffe: The Guardian printed a supplement featuring this fictional island (a reference to "sans-serif", a family of typefaces).

Smell-o-vision: The BBC purported to conduct a trial of a new technology allowing the transmission of odor over the airwaves to all viewers. Despite the fact that no such capability existed, many viewers reportedly contacted the BBC to report the trial's success.

Spaghetti trees: The BBC television program Panorama ran a famous hoax in 1957, showing the Swiss harvesting spaghetti from trees. A lot of people wanted spaghetti trees of their own.

Metric time: Repeated several times in various countries over the years, this hoax claims that the time system will be changed to some system where one subdivision is some power of 10 smaller than the next. The idea to metricise time was suggested in France after the French Revolution: see French Revolutionary Calendar.
Tower of Pisa: The Dutch television news once reported that the famous Tower of Pisa had fallen over. Many shocked and even mourning people contacted the television studio.
Television licence: In another year the Dutch television news reported that the government had introduced a new way to detect hidden televisions (in many countries in Europe, one must pay a television licence to fund public broadcasting) by simply driving through the streets with a new detector, and that the only way to keep your television from being detected was to wrap it in aluminum foil. Within a few hours all aluminum foil was sold out throughout the country.

Sidd Finch: George Plimpton wrote an article in Sports Illustrated about a New York Mets prospect who could throw a fastball at 176 mph (the fastest pitchers in baseball barely reach 100mph). This kid was known as "Barefoot" Sidd Finch. He reportedly learned to throw a ball that fast in a Buddhist monastery, and also threw a javelin a quarter of a mile at the British Olympic tryouts. Plimpton said the boy refused to go to the Olympics for fear of hurting someone. Barefoot Sidd was later the subject of a moderately successful book.

Radio Station "Power 106": A Los Angeles radio station "announced" a change from pop to disco music at 7:00 AM, April 1, (1993?). After 12 hours they admitted it was a joke, and switched back to their standard playlist. Within minutes complaints rolled in of "where's the disco?", and the station actually changed formats the next day (and kept disco for a year or two).

Australian Radio Station Triple J: On 1999-04-01, breakfast show co-host Adam Spencer said he had a journalist on the line from overseas where there had just been a secret 9 hour IOC meeting and that Sydney had lost the 2000 Olympic Games. New South Wales Premier Bob Carr was also in on the joke. The story was picked up by mainstream media (including Channel 9's Today Show) before Adam revealed the truth.
Assassination of Bill Gates: many Chinese and South Korean websites claimed that CNN reported Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft, was assassinated.

Write Only Memory, advertised for sale by Signetics in April of 1972; included in its IC databooks through the late 70s.

Death of a Mayor: in 1998, local radio hosts Opie and Anthony reported that Boston mayor Thomas Menino had been killed in a car accident while in Florida. Menino happened to be on a flight at the time, lending truth to the prank as he could not be reached. The rumor spread quickly across the city, eventually causing news stations to issue alerts denying the hoax. The pair were fired shortly thereafter.
Wheel of Fortune/Jeopardy! Double Switch: In 1997, Pat Sajak, the host of Wheel of Fortune, traded hosting duties with Jeopardy!'s Alex Trebek for one show. In addition to Sajak hosting Jeopardy!, he and cohost Vanna White appeared as contestants on the episode of Wheel that was being hosted by Trebek. White's position at the famed Wheel letterboard was filled by Sajak's wife Leslie.
Comic strip switcheroo: Traditionally, the cartoonists who draw a number of popularly sydicated comic strips will switch roles for a day, each finding someone else to draw their strip for April Fools'.

The Trouble with Tracy: In 2003, The Comedy Network in Canada announced that it would be producing and airing a remake of the 1970s Canadian sitcom The Trouble with Tracy, with Laurie Elliott in the role of Tracy (originally played by Diane Nylund). The original series is widely considered to be one of the worst sitcoms ever produced. Several media outlets fell for the hoax.
Shuttle landing: A Vancouver radio station successfully tricked many listeners in believing that the space shuttle had to do an emergency landing at the Vancouver International Airport.
Howard Stern's April 1st, 2004 show: The show started off with a message stating that due to increased pressure from the FCC, the Howard Stern show had been cancelled, and they played pop songs till after 9:00 am, when Stern came back on and said it was a joke. The pop music was a joke due to the fact that Stern's home station is 92.3 FM K-ROCK, a popular alternative rock station.

Taco Liberty Bell: On April 1, 1996, Taco Bell took out a full-page advertisement in The New York Times announcing that they had purchased the Liberty Bell to "reduce the country's debt" and renamed it to "the Taco Liberty Bell." In a White House press conference, Mike McCurry was quoted as saying that the federal government would also be "selling the Lincoln Memorial to Ford Motor Co. and renaming it the Lincoln-Mercury Memorial." Thousands of people who did not immediately get the April Fool's Day hoax protested.

In 1995, the National Television Station TVM in Malta announced the discovery of a new underground prehistoric temple. The discovery of a mummy eventually led to the announcement that it was an April's Fool joke. This was done during a TV programme conducted by John Demanuele.

Another famous April's Fool Joke was carried out by newscaster Anna Bonanno, which announced that Malta would follow the European continent in changing its motoring rules and motor vehicles would start driving on the right. At the end of the news, it was announced that this was nothing but an April's Fool Joke.
In 2005, one of the largest P2P web sites in China, VeryCD, announced that it had been closed due to some uncontrollable force.
Alternative 3, a fictional documentary broadcast in the United Kingdom in 1977, was originally intended as an April Fool's Day hoax, but due to industrial action it was not broadcast until June. This exposé of international collusion to prepare for global catastrophe fooled many people, and is still the subject of conspiracy theories.
On the first of April, 2004, suprnova.org announced that, owing to a huge surge in Japanese traffic, the site would slowly transition to Japanese, and discontinue its English-language version.

Mock plans to attack Twin Towers made in 1976

2005-03-24T13:01:00.000Z

Greg Szymanski – American Free Press March 20, 2005, reports on a 29-year US Defense Department operative who claims plans were made by his unit in 1976 for a mock attack on the twin towers using airliners

The laundry list of terrorist warnings handed to the Bush administration prior to 9/11 makes the President and others look like "bumbling idiots or a bunch of conniving criminals" responsible for the mass murders at the Twin Towers and in Afghanistan and Iraq.

These are the harsh words of Timothy McNiven, an outspoken critic of the President's handling of 9/11 and a 29-year U.S. Defense Department operative still under contract with the government.

He says not only did the Bush administration purposely ignore Al Q'aida in the months preceding the WTC attacks, but the situation is even more disturbing, considering his military unit way back in 1976 devised a mock terrorist attack of the Twin Towers exactly like what occurred on 9/11.

McNiven, who first went public in an affidavit included in a 9/11-related federal conspiracy (RICO) lawsuit filed against Bush and others in 2004, claims his unit was ordered to create the "perfect terrorist plan" using commercial airliners as weapons and the Twin Towers as their target.

The publicized version of the study, commissioned by Congress, was to identify security lapses and submit corrective measures to lawmakers. However, McNiven claims the real purpose of the study was to brainstorm how to pull off the perfect terrorist attack using the exact same 9/11 scenario.

The study, commissioned to C-Battery 2/81st Field Artillery, U.S. Army, stationed in Strassburg, Germany in 1976, specifically devised the scenario of the Twin Towers being leveled by Middle Eastern terrorists using commercial airliners and even plastic box cutters to bypass security.

To silence critics, McNiven has successfully passed a credible lie detector test regarding his participation in the study as well as other specific orders given to him by his superiors in case of a real attack on the Twin Towers.

The head of the 1976 mock terrorist plan was Lt. Michael Teague of Long Island, who McNiven says was given specific orders by higher-ups in the military to use the Twin Towers as the terrorist target.

McNiven said he has been unable to contact Lt. Teague, but was interested in his opinion now that "the 9/11 attacks happened the way we planned them in 1976."

"I remember Lt. Teague changed the scenario of the supposed study from a 100 story building to the Twin Towers," recalled McNiven, emphasizing that Lt. Teague was acting on specific orders from unknown superiors.

"He then said he thought it was very strange to be asked to devise a plan to blow up your own home town. But as I watched the Twin Towers really collapse on the morning of September 11th, I realized I was watching the very same thing we devised in the 1976."

Since that ominous realization, McNiven has devoted his entire life to alerting the American public about the similarities between 9/11 and the 1976 study without much success, his story basically being ignored by politicians and the mainstream media.

"Why am I doing this? Why have I spent every waking hour trying to bring this story to the American people?" asked McNiven, claiming he still is following a strange direct military order given to him more than 25 years ago.

"During the course of the terrorist plan we were devising, I made the statement to Lt. Teague that if the WTC was ever attacked like we planned, I'd go public. I was then physically assaulted and told never to reveal anything we were doing regarding the Twin Towers."

However, about a week later a strange turn of events occurred. For no apparent reason, McNiven claims his superiors completely changed their minds.

"I was given the direct order that if the Twin Towers were ever attacked the way we discussed in the 1976 study, I was to do everything in my power to bring the similarities to the attention of the American people.

"I have no idea why they changed their minds, but I was then emphatically told that this order was never to be rescinded - never - because those who would rescind it, would be the very same people who turned against the American people."

Besides taking a lie detector to verify his story, McNiven has made public a detailed list of about 40 names of those individuals who took part in the mock terrorist plan, including Col. Robert Morrison, Maj. Joe Dipiero, Sgt. Middleton, Sgt. Arroyo and many others.

"There were also people from the Defense Department and the CIA who were monitoring the study, but I wasn't able to get their names," he added.

Some of McNiven's most recent assignments with the Defense Department include work on the Northwest Drug Task Force and various other drug smuggling and weapons trafficking cases.

Codename Grillfire

French wreck Grand Slam hopes. Quelle surprise?

2005-03-16T17:20:00.000Z

Ireland 19 France 26: So the Grand Slam slipped away without so much as a by-your-leave at the Old Ruin last Saturday. The perennial question of which French side would turn up to play was put to bed in a matter of seconds from Rona O’Gara’s kick off, when, Les Bleus, expecting the Irish to rip right into them, mauled Ireland backwards 15-20 metres. Ireland had no answer, the French, smelled the old familiar whiff of Irish fear and nerves. Plus ca change.....

That old chestnut of a question as to whether France would be bothered to turn up and play should have been put to bed years back, not a matter of mere seconds into the penultimate hurdle of Grand Slam tilt.

Apart from a couple of victories at the turn of the century, Ireland have never really had a sniff of victory against France. The last three encounters between the two have seen Ireland either blown off the park or had their game plan strangled. They may have their off days against the other Championship contenders, but the Les Bleus love playing Ireland. Also, they have won four Grand Chelem in the last eight years. Not bad for a side who now and then don’t turn up to play.

From, the moment Ireland took the field on Saturday it looked like their body language was all wrong. Too many nervous faces. It all translated into the performance on the pitch. No power, no punch and no aggression. All grist to the mill for a French side.

Now Ireland must regroup and take their bag of nerves to a partisan Cardiff, where, the Welsh await their first Slam since 1978.

If Ireland can manage to regroup and gain some confidence, then their conservative way of playing could frustrate a Welsh side that will be filled to the brim with emotion.

Too much emotion and sides make mistakes, too little, and they can stand-off a la Ireland against France.

If Ireland can play on Welsh emotions, then a second Triple Crown in-a-row won’t be a bad reward for Ireland. It shows how far they’ve come though , that it’ll be scant consolation for the Slam.

Letter to Spudnik: Murder of Robert McCartney

2005-03-10T21:29:00.000Z

Sir,
I think that the family of Robert McCartney missed a chance to solve the problem of the IRA once and for all, possibly through unfamiliarity with mathematical proof by induction. Had they only accepted the generous offer to shoot those responsible, with the proviso that the families of those shot acted as they did, then in quite a short time the IRA would have wiped itself out.
Yours etc, Steve, Dublin.

It’s a shopping centre. Get over it!

2005-03-04T13:44:00.000Z

You’d swear by the column inches and the amount of broadcast time in the media over the past week that a new continent, populated by strange exotic people, had been discovered in the south Dublin burb of Dundrum. But instead, all the fuss is over a shopping centre.

"But it’s a town centre," they cry. Yeah, well, there’s one called Dublin city centre and it’s got a lot more culture going on than Dundrum. It’s a shopping centre. Nothing more nothing less.

It’s "Europe's largest cathedral of consumption" The Irish Times told us this morning. Erm, Cathedral? Does it have spires? Is it a place of worship or just a jumped up collection of merchants with air conditioned stalls in an indoor market?

For the past three days the IT and other meeja organs have been whipping up the women of Dublin into an hysterical shopping frenzy.

The pictures from RTE of women rushing to be the first in when it opened its doors with their arms held out as if to greet a long lost loved would have been hilarious if they weren’t so frightening.

Had these women never been in a shop before? Was there some new super-duper shop that sold merchandise that could not be found anywhere else in Dublin or the rest of the country for that matter? Was everything being sold at cost?

When the answer to the above is such a glaringly obvious No you have to ask yourself why would these women become so worked up over a shopping centre.

It’s not unfair or sexist to wonder why it was women and not men who got, and in some cases will forever be, so hot under the collar about a mall. The TV pictures clearly showed that men were vastly outnumbered by the women.

More and more Irish women are being suckered by the marketing - a job mainly done by women - of what a modern Irish adult female should be. Whatever the marketers might say, these women are becoming part of what I like to call the Silly Bitch Brigade.

These are the type of gormless girlies who think that Anna Nolan, Bláthnaid Ní Chofaigh, and Sheana Keane on the Afternoon show are the essence of cool, the IT Saturday Magazine is must for the "what’s hot and what’s not".

Feminists along with a lot of my female friends have claimed that the Pill dulls women’s senses, making them less creative as well as stifling their emotions.

The hype over the Dundrum Town Centre is doing the same thing.

Get over it girls. It’s a shopping centre not a hundred yards from the old one.

Quotes for today

2005-03-02T18:22:00.000Z

Nothing is more precious than Independence and Liberty. - Ho Chi Min

Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun. - Mao Zedong

I think a future fight should include a poet, a priest and a philosopher we might get a much better idea of what we saw. - Michael Collins

Wuz Engerland robbed?

2005-03-01T18:35:00.000Z

It’s two days since the ground shaking collision of Ireland and England at the ancient Lansdowne Road and the complaints from the England coach Andy Robinson, and thousands of English rugby fans on internet message boards about the performance of Referee Jonathan Kaplan have still to abate. There’s an Australian joke that goes something like this. "How do you know when the poms have arrived in Australia." Answer: "The whining goes on long after the engines of the 747 have been turned off."

The cause of their complaints are two disallowed tries. One for Mark Cueto in first-half injury time and one for Josh Lewsey in the closing minutes of the match.

Television replays of either incident were inconclusive to say the least. Cueto was pinged for being ahead of outhalf Charlie Hodgson’s perfectly judged cross-field kick and there was no footage available that could say whether he was or he wasn’t.

One thing is certain though, Kaplan blew his whistle almost as soon as Hodgson kicked and it was a good two or three seconds before Cueto caught and touched down over the Irish line. The early whistle could well explain why no Irish player was near Cueto when he touched down. They’d heard the whistle and were preparing to position themselves for the next play.

Also, Cueto’s prompt arrival to the ball would suggest he could well have been flirting with being ahead of the kicker.

The only replay of Lewsey’s disallowed try that could cast any light on the matter, showed that Johnny O’Conor - the proverbial thorn in the side of the English rose all afternoon - had driven the English winger back over the line and may, along with Ronan O’Gara, had a hand underneath the ball to prevent the score.

One incident where a try could clearly be shown to have been a result of foul play was the English try by Martin Corry. Standing at the side of a ruck, O’Gara was tackled by England’s Danny Grewcock and held to the ground while Corry picked and ran home from about 25 metres unopposed.

The whining poms will tell you that as O’Gara had a hand on Lewis Moody’s back, he was, therefore, entitled to be cleaned out of the ruck. True he was. But cleaning out does not involve tackling. You can barge or shove a player to protect your ball, but tackling him and taking him out of the game is illegal.

The planes have long since left Dublin Airport and landed back in England, but, you can still hear the whining all across the Irish sea.

Meet Larry the talking duck

2005-03-01T11:29:00.000Z

Today, spudnik was struck with yet another wondrous ponderous thought to query. Weather for ducks!

The thing is that while this statement applies to rainy weather, there is no evidence to suggest that ducks actually thrive better in the rain. The thing about ducks is that they have an oil based feathered covering which is waterproof, therefore allowing them to dive underwater and fish. And then, when they surface, they don't have worry about not being able to fly because of soaking wet feathers. Brilliant!

In fact some ducks are truly brilliant. Take Larry the talking duck for instance. Now there was a marvel to behold.

The thing about Larry The Duck, LTTD if you like, was that not only could he talk, but he was an exquisite conversationalist. LTTD lived in Dublin during the fifties, but no one knows what end, if any he met.

He first came to prominence when walking into a bar in Poolbeg Street. Jim, not his real name, the barman on lunch-time duty was the first one to spot him. LTTD had, as-bold-as-brass, just strolled into the bar. Jim, the barman, was as surprised as the next man when the duck spoke.

"A ham and coleslaw sandwich and a pint of stout when your ready there pal", said LTTD.

Jim was stunned and could only mutter, "you're a talking duck". To which the duck replied, "yes that's right".

"A talking duck", repeated Jim as his jaw scrapped the floor.

The duck shrugged, he was used to this sort of reaction by now, and repeated his lunch order. Jim ran off and got him the order and placing it in front of him said, "that's on the house but tell me one thing. How long have you been, you know, talking"?

LTTD not yet able to get a bite out his sandwich replied, "all my life. I've just come to the area today. I'm working over the road, you know, the building site there."

LTTD and Jim struck up a great friendship. Every day the duck would come in for his lunch time repast of a pint of stout and a ham and coleslaw sandwich.

One day a circus owner walked into the bar. While talking to Jim, the barman decides to bring up the subject of the talking duck.

"I know of someone", Jim said, "you might be interested in. There's a chap who comes in here of a lunch time and he's a duck. Who talks. He talks about everything. Current affairs, sports, films, art, he knows about the lot."

The circus owner looked at Jim and said, "you know I'd pay a lot of money for that kind of thing and if you had a word with the duck there'd be a cut in it for you".

Jim told him the duck would be in an hour or so for his lunch and he have a word with him then.

LTTD came in at the usual time. Jim went over to him to tell him about the circus owner.

"Listen Larry", they were on first name terms by now, "there was a circus owner in here earlier on today. He said he'd pay a lot of money for what you do. A lot of money he said".

LTTD looked at Jim and said " a lot of money you say".

"That's right", Jim replied, "a lot of money".

LTTD looked at Jim and said, "Well alright I'll meet with him, but there is one thing that's puzzling me"?

"What's that"? asked Jim.

"What would a circus owner want with a plasterer"?

What's the story with getting a good breakfast in this town?

2005-02-26T19:10:00.000Z

I love a cooked breakfast of a Saturday morning. My wife, Bundle, loves a good cooked breakfast of a Saturday morning. So, why is it, that we keep getting served guff in places that spice it up on their menu as "brunch".

We normally get a good breakfast in Le Cafe in Clonee village. It's not brunch. It's a fried breakfast with no fuss. It's just cooked perfectly. If your mother was one of those people who was a good cook, then Le Cafe serve you a breakfast your mum would make. Perfect. Nothing burnt, undercooked and the ingredients are first class.

Go ten miles into Dublin 4 to the Schoolhouse Hotel and try their Schoolhouse Breakfast and what do you get? Reheated guff for €8.50. Almost 2 lids more expensive than Le Cafe which doesn't pretend to be anything other than what it says on the tin.

The Schoolhouse on the other hand portends to be "ahead of its class. Unique, intimate and ideally located, the four star Schoolhouse Hotel exudes a warm and friendly atmosphere."

And it was. Two years ago.

We used to live just behind the Schoolhouse and frequented the place quite often. It was never tops for a good brekkie, but, we never had reason to say we'd never go back again until today. Indeed, the best breakfast for both value and how it was cooked was in the 51 on Haddington Road when it was officially called Paddy Flaherty's.

Their brekkie was very much like Le Cafe's, except it came with chips over the top.

It's not just the Schoolhouse who don't offer a decently cooked breakfast. There are numerous other establishments which sex up a cooked breakfast by calling it brunch, but, still couldn't fry an egg Sally O'Brien style.

Having said that, most are streets above the fare served up to us in the Schoolhouse today.

This is my email of complaint:

My Wife and I had the very unpleasant experience of eating your
"Schoolhouse Breakfast" earlier this afternoon.

We ordered our breakfasts to be served with so called "perfect
scrambled eggs". They were turgid. They were congealed. They were luke
warm and if I were Kevin Myers I could think of a lot more vulgar
names to call them, but, perfect they weren't.

The sausages looked old and withered and the rashers almost had as
much fat on them as the Tanaiste.

The whole breakfast was clearly a re-heat.

I have had a MacDonalds breakfast and it is clearly head and shoulders
above what you served to us today.

My wife suggested that we send it back, but unfortuneately, we didn't
have the time and we would never eat something from a kitchen after we
had sent the orignal order back, as you'd never know what the kitchen
staff will add to your new order.

I would never suggest that your staff would contemplate anything
improper, indeed we have met many of them of over the years as we used
to lived behind your hotel in Estate Cottages. We have had many
enjoyable occassions in your establishment, but, today''s fare was
just not up to the standard we had come to expect from a Dublin 4 cafe
bar.

We would also like you to note that the hygiene in the toilets was of
a very, very poor standard. Crumpled-up toilet tissue was clearly
visable as well as a build up of grit behind the lavatories in the
gents toilets.

There was also a large open bin which had been left in the
middle of the floor and the toilet brush in one of the cubicles had
been left on the floor and the whole gents facilities looked like they
would do had a crowd for a six nations game been in the pub for the
whole day.

Quotes for today

2005-02-25T16:20:00.000Z

If the Dutch lived in Ireland, they would feed the world. If the Irish lived in Holland, they'd drown. - Otto Von Bismarck.

This is one race (Irish) of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever - Sigmund Freud

The problem with Ireland is that it’s a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent. - Hugh Leonard

Beware English underdogs

2005-02-24T18:59:00.000Z

England come to Dublin on Sunday and for the first time since the 80’s they come as underdogs. They also arrive with the extra baggage of knowing that they could become the first in England side to lose the first three Championship games since 1987. Some albatross.

There’s no doubt Andy Robinson’s charges are but a pale shadow of Clive Woodward’s World Cup winning side. The international retirement’s of Martin Johnson, Laurence Dalaglio and Neil Back, coupled with injuries to Will Greenwood, Julian White, Richard Hill and one Jonny Wilkinson have robbed Robinson of the guts of Woodward’s side. There’s no international outfit around that could absorb those blows and still retain the mantle of world beaters.

However, you don’t see Robinson, or any of his players, crying or making excuses. Their mantra is still get out on the pitch and win. Rightly so. As Ireland coach Eddie O’Sullivan pointed out yesterday: "England have had these changes based on retirements and a couple of injuries. But I don't think it's a major deal. There aren't too many rookies on the English team; they've players with experience still. England are in transition at the moment, but it doesn't mean they're not ready to play."

Not too many rookies is spot on. The Irish rugby public can tend to get carried away with how they perceive a game will pan out. No one apart from O’Sullivan and Brian O’Driscoll gave Ireland a chance against England at Twickenham last year. In fact, most feared one of those all too familiar pasting’s in West London.

It’s always interesting to try and read into O’Sullivan’s pre-match comments to attempt and gauge his mindset. Before Twickenham 2004, while others watched gobsmacked, O’Sullivan declared that he felt that there was no better time to take on the World Champions on their own patch. His captain, O’Driscoll, almost caused derision among English and Irish alike when he announced that he hoped Ireland would give the prawn sandwich brigade something to choke on. Talk about motivating the opposition.

It’s all history now, but, what came to pass that afternoon will never be forgotten as Ireland recorded a rare and precious victory away to the auld enemy, scored what has to be one of the all-time great international tries and in the process defended a narrow lead for the last ten minutes. England didn’t play badly, but, Ireland pulled a performance out of the hat that was full of O’Sullivan’s planning and executed almost without fault by the players.

This week, however, there’s been no talk of prawn sandwich’s or of kicking England when their down. An English backlash for losing two games they should have won, is perhaps, feared. O’Sullivan will certainly be taking that into account and perhaps has tailored his comments this week to allow no possible fuel for English motivation.

There’s no doubting that a backlash is what our friends from across the river will have in mind. English pride doesn’t just evaporate because of a couple of poor results. How often have they been given the slipper down under on summer tours only to dish it back out to all and sundry in the following six nations?

But, when all is said and done, Sunday will really boil down to the Irish performance. We know England won’t roll over, so it’s up to the players to front up again. If there are below par performances a la Italy there will certainly be trouble t’at mill.

O’Driscoll’s inclusion is a boon that cannot be overestimated. Whatever one thinks of his indulgence in making the most out of his image and his perceived cockiness, there is one thing that’s certain. No one gives more than he does on the field. His motto for training is: "train as hard as you mean to play". He neither compromises in training or playing.

But it’s not all about him. Big games are needed from the locks Paul O’Connell and Malcolm O’Kelly and the backrow cannot afford to go missing like it did in Rome. All test matches are won having been built by some sort of forward platform.

The Irish will surely not let supposed English weakness play on their minds and cause an underestimation of the opposition. Too many hammerings at English hands will see to that.

Maybe it might be Robinson who unwittingly provides Ireland with the motivational spark. Indeed Mr Robinson, Ireland do need to "take the next step".

Forecast: Ireland to win by 10 points after tight first half.

The Birth of an Irish Super Hero

2005-02-24T02:14:00.000Z

He was sodden. Saturated from days of the Irish weather unleashing its wrath. He had absorbed all of its various precipitation's and survived. Even a low flying jet had emptied it's, well lets just say they weren't fuel tanks, and he had survived.

After hours of painstakingly crawling through the wild Mayo undergrowth he was, at last, home.

His pilgrimage to Croagh Patrick had not gone well. Days of flailing himself with rushes hadn't relieved him of his guilt and as his anger swelled to rage he cursed his god. That's when the storm came.

For five days, four nights, a brief bit one morning and then again in the afternoon, just after lunch, before reverting to five more days, the weather lashed him like he had never been lashed before. It all came out of the heavens. Rain, more rain, rain again, and then for a change, misty rain, hail, snow and finally that rain that doesn't look to bad when you look out of the window but gives you a thoroughly good soaking once you step out the door. He was in Mayo after all.

Now he lay in his bed preparing to meet the maker he had so rashly cussed and slandered. Fits of fever racked his weakened body. Shaking limbs made it impossible for him to eat or drink. Broken in body and spirit he waited for the final convulsion that would end his agony and start him on his final journey.

The convulsion arrived with a fury akin to a thousand hurricanes. But it was not there to take his life. On the contrary, his maker(please choose one of the following, Protestant/Catholic lord, Jah, Buddha, Mohammed, Shiva or Jabba The Hut) had other more exceptional plans for him.

You see his maker (please see above) had been getting just a little bit peeved with all the cussing and slandering he had been receiving over the last few millennia and had now decided to act. In his infinite wisdom he ordained that Peader McWhacker, our pal from Mayo, would become his instrument on Earth. But first he would receive a bloody good lashing for his impudence in the first place.

Of course all gods act in mysterious ways and naturally enough this one never told poor Peader a thing about what he had in store for him, leaving a man, from Mayo of all places, who had flailed himself on top of a mountain to figure everything out for himself. Charming.

And to a degree Peadar did figure it out. But not anything like his god had intended. No Peadar thought he was something quite different.

When Peadar awoke from his convulsion, which was a bit like what David Banner used to do before he changed into the hulk, he felt he had changed. His sense of smell had increased a thousand-fold, which was a bit unfortunate because Jamie Maguire's pig farm was right next door. His strength was now mighty to say the least and more importantly for someone who hails from a county with minimal or no public transport, he could run very far and very, very fast.

The flying bit would come much later and by total accident.

So he knew he was different all right, but, what was he?

He decided to discuss the matter with Jamie the pig farmer over a bottle or two of Poitin. He showed off his magnificent strength and speed to Jamie, who appropriately "ohh'ed" and "ahh'ed" in appreciation. There was even a "Jaysus" or two thrown in just to make sure Peader got the message.

And then with the Poitin about to run dry, Peader's thirst for alcohol had also improved along with his ability to hold it, an answer arrived to Jamie. It could only be one thing. It had to be it. What else could it be?

He turned to Peader and said, "Jaysus", for the third time, "I've figured it out. You're a feckin super-hero Peader".

Peader just nodded in an all knowing manner, although with the amount of Poitin that had been consumed it was very probable that Peader would have nodded all knowingly at the toilet bowl.

The lord wasn't to impressed though. When informed of developments with Peader, he was heard to simply utter "Doh".

And so it came to pass. Irelands first super-hero had been born through the super natural coincidences of the Irish weather, a god who had a gripe with the world and two lads with too much Poitin.

Peader of course still didn't have a cause, but after awhile, like so many recent events in his life, a name did arrive.

Since he now had the ability to run very far and very, very fast, he never had to want for Poitin. So after a year he decided to go on the wagon for forty days and forty nights. On the fortieth night, when he could stand it no more, he rushed out and got a bottle of the clear stuff, wolfed it down, as you would, when he saw it. A solitary potato, in the shape of the devil fell out of it's sack and rolled over beside his foot.

He picked it up. Looked at it for hours, before saying in a slurred but just about audible way, "from this day forward, I shall be known as Captain Spud".

Authors note: All rights concerning Captain Spud, his nemesis and any side kicks he picks up on the way are reserved. Copyright Piaras Murphy 2000.

Halcyon Dublin

2005-02-23T14:04:00.000Z

As the cow gathered momentum down the hill, it became difficult to distinguish the back end from the front end and vice-versa. Likewise, the cow's, it may have been a bull but it was hard to tell in the dark, cries of distress became one long cry making it impossible to tell where the "moo" started and then finished.

It's probably much the same thing as watching your dad fall down the stairs. He first tries to grab the banister and when fails there is a small yelp of surprise, which evolves at an astonishing rate into the familiar "Aaahhhhhhhhhhh", as he is pulled down the stairs by Newton's old friend. At that point it is best to run as you'll only get the blame anyway.

It is one thing that has always amazed Spudnik about human kind. It’s our eternal capacity to laugh at people or animals falling over, or even funnier still, being pushed.

Cow tipping may not be the most politically correct of activities one could get involved in, but to some it makes for a thoroughly pleasant evening.

Animal lovers may not agree but there is quite possibly something worse than cow tipping. That is watching babies take their first steps, which is always going to end in tears for the tike, and then laughing as they fall over. These events are usually videoed and shown to anyone gullible enough to watch them, mostly neighbours and family, therefore aggravating any embarrassment caused by the initial incidents.

It seems as if it's actually politically correct to laugh at celebrities, politicians or anybody in the gaze of the media when they lose their footing.

So from the youngest to the oldest, from the two legged to the four, it seems that all sections of the world we live in are fair game. Except if your drunk.

When drunk it's only other people who are drunk that will laugh at you. The rest turn their heads away in disgust. But now is the time to redress that imbalance with, whether you believe or not as Ripley used to say, a true story.

A nameless man has been out for a few bevvies. Naturally he has got some serious munchies on him, so, on his way home he stops for a take-away curry.

The curry now becomes the centre of his world. His life now is a simple one. Get home, eat the curry and go to sleep with all his clothes on. But potential danger lurks a few feet away.

In Dublin, and not so long ago either , it used to be the practice that people working on pavements or for that matter roads, would not erect the proper warnings that such works were in existence. So you can see that are friend with the simple life is in danger.

He comes to the hole. He doesn't notice it, so, therefore can't evade it and plunges into it's murky depths. He does however take his mind off the curry long enough to realise that he's falling, which in turn brings him back to the curry and what will be an astounding feat of coherence and agility for a drunk man.

It is now an inescapable fact that his curry, or more correctly, his enjoyment of the curry, is going to be ruined.

Quickly and instinctively he raises the curry over his head while simultaneously pushing his feet into the side of the hole and slowing his decent until, finally coming to a safe halt at the bottom of the hole, with his curry raised aloft like the World Cup, just appearing out the top of the hole.

Needless to say this being Dublin, the curry did not remain in his possession for much longer. A quick thinking passer-by grabbed the curry from his outstretched arms and made off with it at great pace.

Our friend panics, tries feverishly to clamber out of the hole, slips, falls and ends up lying in the puddle at the bottom of the hole he had just been standing in.

A true story.